The day after the bachelorette staycation involved much more mystery than perhaps any other day in the realm of staycations.
At the close of the previous post, one DEWG member and the bachelorette had retreated to the DEWG member's apartment-about 15 yards from the apartment of Decadence. One DEWG member was curled up in the floor of the living room rocking herself back and forth in the fetal position asking repeated, to no one in particular: "Where am I?" The other two DEWG members were nuking all food items they could find in the refrigerator.
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| The staycation slumber party was not your usual slumber party |
Now you're caught up. Or you could stop and take this time to read the previous post:
Staycation Shenanigans.
A few short hours later, the ladies awoke mysteriously at the same time...all three were in Decadence's queen size bed. Fancy and Decadence were on the outsides of the bed, under the covers. The third, more petite DEWG was in the middle, on top of the covers and shivering.
Fancy first: Fancy was on the side of the bed by the wall, under the covers and dressed in normal sleeping attire gathered from Decadence's dresser.
Middle, petitie DEWG: Laying on top of the covers, still donning her beads and top from the night before with an additional t-shirt on top of the ensemble. This DEWG had changed out of her pants and underroos from the previous night and replaced them with Victoria's Secret's version of "granny panties," something Decadence thought she had long since thrown away.
Last but not least, Decadence: Decadence awoke face-down under the covers on the side of the bed facing the rest of the open room. When she awoke she first realized that the middle DEWG was laying on top of the covers and on top of 3/4 of Decadence's body. Decadence was still in her top from the bachelorette party, but was immediately aware that she was wearing nothing else.
Fancy appeared to have fared the nap well. The middle DEWG was in pain from the beads and from the granny panties that were several sizes too big for her. Decadence felt exposed and awkward (as she was laying on her stomach, she could see her pants from the night before strewn on the floor by the bed...but where were her undergarments?).
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One can easily see why the petite DEWG might
experience pain...just imagine the chaffing |
Sleepy sleepless groaning ensued as each awoke. Shifting followed as the littlest DEWG realized she was laying on top of Decadence.
The following questions were posed and some were answered...in no particular order:
Q: Why are you on top of the covers?
A: I couldn't figure out how to get under the sheets!
Q: (To self) Oww! Why does my neck hurt?!
A: Oh, I'm still wearing my beads from last night.
Q:When did we go to bed?
---insert sound of crickets chirping
Q: Whose underwear am I wearing?! These things are HUGE!
A: Those are mine, but I could have sworn I threw those things away YEARS ago!
subsequent
Q: Where did you find them? Did you search through boxes under my bed to find those?
subsequent
A: I don't know, but I am in pain!
Q: Umm, guys, I don't seem to have anything on from the waist down. Did I streak through the apartment bottomless?
A: (both responded) I have no idea.
---response-Well, at least there's that. I'm going to need you two to keep your eyes closed while I find something to put on.
---subsequent response from both-No problem.
The missing underwear was found several yards away in the bathroom, which posed the question: how much running around did Decadence do between the bed, bathroom, and perhaps around the apartment when the underroos were in the bathroom and her pants were by the bed? This mystery has never been solved.
Soon the trio emerged from their resting place and were dressed ready to tackle a breakfast of champions: Steak and Shake.
Upon entering the living room, however...
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Stray cats had invaded the apartment of Decadence
upon smelling the nuked 30 day old hot beef... |
Thankfully, no, this did not actually happen, but what they thought would be a normal day spent in hungover stupor would become a day fit for Sherlock Holmes.
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Fantastical puzzled bewilderment was the expression/look of the day;
sans pipe and experiment beakers |
Just as the trio entered the living room, Fancy and Decadence were discussing the deliciousness of the re-heated burritos they enjoyed a few short hours ago. The petite DEWG stated, "I don't even think I went in the kitchen last night, guys."
The trail of feathers from her feather boa suggested otherwise. Decadence and Fancy had removed their feather boas as soon as they came in the apartment the night prior. For the third DEWG, it was clear that she wore hers throughout the night's events and it shed the entire time.
Judging from the trail of feathers, not only had the petite DEWG visited the kitchen, she had run multiple laps between the living room, the kitchen and Decadence's bedroom. Perhaps she was training for an obstacle course race.
While Fancy and the other DEWG searched for their purses and phones, Decadence inspected the kitchen. One to-go box was on the countertop, one was missing. Also on the counter was a large empty plastic container that had once housed crock-pot hot beef/stew leftovers. This meal was originally cooked at least 30 days before the current shenanigans and had yet to be disposed of.
One thing you should know about Decadence: she has an irrational fear of botulism poisoning. This can be traced back to the story Mama Brown used to tell Decadence about distant family members that were almost killed due to consuming undercooked corn. Since hearing this story as a young girl, Decadence has transferred this fear of botulism to associate any foods that have been sitting for more than 4 days as potentially containing the deadly poison.
As such, Decadence was convinced that these undisposed of leftovers contained botulism. Upon seeing the container empty and no sign of the leftovers anywhere in the apartment, Decadence went into a tailspin. Trying her best not to scare the others with her reaction at the seriousness of the situation, Decadence questioned the two other DEWG members. Neither remembered heating, handling or eating the leftovers.
Decadence came to the following series of conclusions:
-Someone ate these leftovers.
-There's no way Decadence ate them, even if she was drugged, she would never have eaten those leftovers-per her irrational fear.
-Someone will die today.
Decadence tried to drive the severity of this situation home to the other DEWGs, but they would hear nothing of her warning. All looked close to death for other reasons and omitted stench from their pores, so the argument could be made that the potentially ingested leftovers should be the last of their concerns.
Meanwhile, the search for phones proved successful. The search for purses, wallets, check cards was not so successful. The breakfast trip would also be a trip back to the Palace Saloon for car, purse and check card retrieval.
On the way out of the front door, Decadence made one last look in the corner of the room and behind the couch. Bingo. One purse found, complete with a receipt where the signature line had been blacked out via zig-zag scribbling.
With this success...on to Steak and Shake:
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| This picture perfectly illustrates the Steak and Shake breakfast experience. |
Next to the Palace: Fancy's card was retrieved with only a $10 charge posted. The third DEWG's purse was retrieved here without the card-turns out hers was back at the apartment after all. A short chat later, the petite DEWG hopped in her car and led the caravan back to Alumni Village where she and Fancy lived.
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It's a classy establishment, if you love to live in fear.
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This man lives there. He holds
many ornate parties for
children. |
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This man escaped prison, immediately fled to
Alumni Village, and was arrested there. |
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| This woman is not deterred and allows her children to live and play there, unattended. |
The rest of this day was spent watching Lifetime movies on the couch and floor of the petite DEWG's apartment, while Decadence feared the moment when one of the DEWG would drop dead and another DEWG texted Scabtoes.
Both Scabtoes and the DEWG member were under the notion that they had shared a romantic moment the night before, and it was arranged that Scabtoes would come to the apartment of Decadence (neutral ground for the DEWG member) and watch Billy Elliot later that afternoon.
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Billy Elliot should have been a bit foreboding as it is likely that as a dancer,
Billy Elliot also had scabs for toenails. |
The DEWG members converged on the apartment of Decadence. Scabtoes arrived (it was in this meeting that the presence of scabs in place of toenails on this person's feet was realized.)
As one would, Scabtoes assumed that this was furthering the romantic connection. The DEWG member thought otherwise and the love was short lived.
A month later Fancy and Decadence returned to the Palace Saloon for a friend's birthday celebration. All of the regular patrons knew their names immediately. The lady-duo was unable to reciprocate. This visit proved to be almost as dramatic of a night as the previous visit had been, minus the romance and bachelorettism. Scabtoes was present, but it was this night that a Palace Saloon patron enlightened them about one final mystery:
It was not Scabtoes who made a romantic connection with one of the DEWGS, it was one of the bartenders. "Foiled again!" Thought the DEWG who may or may not have been present this night...
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| This has very little to do with the aftermath, but I like where they're going with this message. |
Unaddressed issue: The rancid meat was never actually consumed. It was found in the missing to-go container 30 hours later, still in the microwave...
Crisis averted.
