A Decadent List of Grievances

List of Grievances:

As our forefathers and others throughout history have deemed appropriate in the Declaration of Independence and elsewhere, Decadence would like to take some time to compile a list of grievances. This is not to say that Decadence is unappreciative of the things present in her life, it is merely a compilation of the unnecessary, annoying, or mundane elements that are present in the world. 

In no particular order:

1. The color orange. -Labelled officially by the "artworld" as a secondary color, it is often associated with sports teams Decadence does not care for-teams that often display a level of classless behavior-and in a way that only serves to make the school's colors/jerseys/campus an eyesore. When mixed with colors other than those directly next to it on the color wheel, it often makes a mud-inspired hue. It seems to be the leech of the color wheel, attaching itself to superior colors like red and thus pulling down a great color. Perhaps this color should remain in hiding until it is needed around the Halloween/Thanksgiving timeframe.

(The answer is No, I have not considered orange.)

2. The Mud Man. -For years as a child, Decadence's father (referred to here as Father Brown) would tell her and her brother tall tales of the Mud Man and his propensity for stealing the shoes of unsuspecting victims. He would only tell these tales while in the act of carrying the two children across patches of thick sticky mud, where the dreaded Mud Man lived. Without fail, as Father Brown crossed the patches of thick Mud Man territory, he would lose at least one of his shoes. Every time he felt the slightest bit of tug from said Mud Man, he made a dramatic and terrorizing display of trying to retrieve his lost shoe using only his submerged foot (aka. he would never put his hand/arm in the mud as this was too dangerous, so dangerous in fact, he might never survive). Often the lost shoe situation would turn more sinister as the Mud Man also attempted to keep Father Brown's foot and ankle. Father Brown would yell and writhe in panic, pain and fear-all while holding his children. This panic carried over to the children as they echoed his screams and cries for help. 

The Mud Man was extremely well fed in those days and the shoe casualty count was long ago lost due to high numbers. Luckily Father Brown never lost a foot, but he did raise two offspring that have a strange aversion to large patches of mud. If one needed a visual image of what the Mud Man might look like today after so many shoe binges, he might look something like this:

3. Cock Rock. (as Fancy refers to it and not to be confused with Crotch Rock or a cock block) -This is a situation in which less is more. Why does the world need so much "Cock Rock," Decadence feels that the saturation of Cock Rock has far outreached that which can be handled in one, nay seven,  lifetimes. Everything in moderation Cock Rockers. If lost, please refer to the example video here (sorry it begins with an advertisement):

4. Stinging insects. -Stinging insects did not make this list only because of Decadence's new-found death-allergy to them and she understands their necessity in the grand scheme of nature's functioning. Stinging insects made this list because of their propensity to sting mammals. Why? Why is it necessary to sting mammals? Because they feel threatened? Not necessarily, what if it's just to see what kind of havoc they can create. Is the purpose of their stinging to remind the stung individual of how great they had it before they were stung? Decadence finds it completely inappropriate that these creatures would sting something that could feel it, instead they should stick to pollinating flora, building nests for their young, producing honey, and whatever else they do while steering clear of the earth's fauna.

5. Dick Slang (Dance). -No words can do this listing justice, simply watch...

6. Lightning. -It seems completely unnecessary. It's nice to view from a safe distance in a dark sky, but it also kills electricity, trees, and people. Thunder seems sufficient to warn of an approaching storm. That is all.

7. Men's nipples. - The necessity of this was googled and no valuable information was found. Decadence was actually underwhelmed by the answer. Essentially there is no reason other than the fact that evolution and/or early fetal development has not found a way to rid the earth of them, sorry human males.

This of course is not a full list of grievances, but it seems to cover the essentials. Additions to the list are welcome and will be considered only if submitted in writing and postmarked by January 11th, 2011.

"It's a great night to play soccer"

Ahh the famous last words...

Not more than an hour after texting this title statement to a friend, I was in an ambulance with an IV in arm and on my way to the emergency room for the first time in my life.

-Let me preface by stating that I have never been allergic to anything before and I have been stung by multiple insects and stinging bugs, multiple times. This night (apparently) was a bug meant for Decadence.

While lacing up the cleats for soccer practice with a group of people, two of which I had only met prior to this night, I was stung on the underside/meaty part of my bicep by a mystery bug. Mystery because no one saw an insect of any kind flying around the field that night.

So-I get stung. It hurt, about like normal sting-hurt. I tell my fellow soccer ladies that I got stung, then the conversation moves forward to who knows what because I started feeling strange. Full body throb started first..."mmm," I think, "am I nervous about soccer practice? That's weird." Then I start to get cold and I feel my face get red hot. "this is also weird, but I'll just put on my long sleeved shirt" I think. I check the sting spot before donning my shirt, no change.

Face and scalp start to itch, bad. I look around as I scratch my head and rub my face and strangely no on e else seems to be cold, red or feeling the need to scratch their head or face. "Better go to the car mirror and have a look" oh wise one thinks to herself...

Not even looking for swelling, I see a bright red, splotchy face looking back at me and looking back I do recall some strange new additions to my normal facial features. At this point the other of two people I knew prior to tonight have arrived, but she is talking to some other people. I normally hate to interrupt, but in this case I felt it was imperative. I tap my friend on the shoulder and say, "I have a problem." She takes one look at me and screams, "SIT DOWN!" and immediately alerts others in the vicinity to 1. see if a nurse with an Epipen is anywhere nearby, 2. keep me calm, while she calls 911.

After my one glimpse in the mirror, I did not see my face again for four hours, but in that time I am fully aware that my face swelled to a near unrecognizable amount (ascertained from the EMT who was not blessed with tact), including eyelids, lips and nose. I was covered in hives arms and back first, then stomach and thighs. My arm around the sting site was not hives, it was one swollen blob emerging from my arm, about the size of a flattened grapefruit-perhaps a grapefruit grown with steroid products.

Nurses were located, but not Epipen-toting nurses. These were nurses who told me as my breathing became hard work due to throat and lung constriction, "There is nothing you can do right now other than stay calm." My thoughts, "Thanks for that, I'm fully aware that I am dying." Luckily we were at a collection of fields in the middle of new construction so the police cruiser and the ambulance could not find us right away.

I later heard the story that when one of the other players did see a police cruiser (they made it to the field first-why did they come? I know not), she chased the car down to make sure it would see us, but when she arrived at the cruiser, the police were in the process of arresting a man. (Not to mention that the girl that chased the cruise down was sporting a black eye.) Once the man was arrested, actually I'm not sure what happened to the arrested man and the policeman partner who arrested him, one officer came over to offer some help. This help consisted of noticing my full-body shake due to the anaphylactic shock, deciding that I must be cold and covering me with some sort of 1/2 plastic blanket, then later deciding that I should sit in the back of his cruiser.

Finally, just as I was entering a state of silent panic and unsure how much longer I could withstand such stressed breathing the ambulance arrived. I have no idea how much time had passed, but judging loosely from the times I did see clocks...it was at least 20 minutes. Not good. My full body shake did not help the EMT with his questionable IV skills and luckily I looked away while he worked his "magic." When I did brave a look at my arm, it looked like I had an IV next to a wolverine bite complete with blood all down my arm. (glad I didn't watch THAT transpire) After this amount of time passage, all the IV Benadryl served to do was make me feel warm on the inside. Swelling did not subside, full body shake continued, breathing was still strained and my thoughts of panic continued, if not intensified.

Trying not to sound alarmed, the EMTs discussed their next step while I avoided eye contact and tried to tune out all of my worst case scenario thoughts. Their next step was shooting me in the leg with the maximum amount the Epipen held. This, sadly, had no effect other than increasing my panic and the EMTs responding with what I now imagine as a game show host's announcement: "You win a ride to the Emergency Room!!"

Always the practical mind, I informed them that I lived 2 blocks away from a hospital and that it would be amazing and convenient if they could take me to that one. They respectfully declined this suggestion as it was over 45 minutes away.

It was during this time that I felt it would be an appropriate distraction to send a few texts on my uncharged phone. Of course I received the request to take a picture of my swollen face...I now regret not following through on this request, but at the time I was mortified that ANYONE had seen me looking like I was straight out of a horror film let alone have some sort of permanent proof of the situation.

I made no friends on the ambulance ride. I am normally a social and talkative person, but I was put out with life at the time and cursing Decadence Brown as I fully blame my shadow self for this incident. I was also quite disgusted that I didn't get an ambulance ride with a siren...it was a silent ride, shaky too but not from the driving. By the time we arrived at the ER I was over the entire situation. The Benadryl had NOT made me sleepy as promised, I was still swollen and covered in hives, and now I had countless more witnesses to my new look. Luckily the ER nurses gave me a nice private hallway spot to park my stretcher. Thanks.

Over the next few hours I was pumped with various other IV meds and liquids, my roommates arrived (looking alarmed), and I was finally released.

After what had already been a terrible day and week at work (this was a Wednesday), the best part of this whole ordeal was that I took the following day off from work. Well that and now I get to carry Epipens with me wherever I go...needless to say I'm in the market for a classy neon fanny pack in which to keep said Epipens.