Staycation Cleanup

The day after the bachelorette staycation involved much more mystery than perhaps any other day in the realm of staycations.

At the close of the previous post, one DEWG member and the bachelorette had retreated to the DEWG member's apartment-about 15 yards from the apartment of Decadence. One DEWG member was curled up in the floor of the living room rocking herself back and forth in the fetal position asking repeated, to no one in particular: "Where am I?" The other two DEWG members were nuking all food items they could find in the refrigerator.

The staycation slumber party was not your usual slumber party

Now you're caught up. Or you could stop and take this time to read the previous post: Staycation Shenanigans.

A few short hours later, the ladies awoke mysteriously at the same time...all three were in Decadence's queen size bed. Fancy and Decadence were on the outsides of the bed, under the covers. The third, more petite DEWG was in the middle, on top of the covers and shivering.

Fancy first: Fancy was on the side of the bed by the wall, under the covers and dressed in normal sleeping attire gathered from Decadence's dresser.

Middle, petitie DEWG: Laying on top of the covers, still donning her beads and top from the night before with an additional t-shirt on top of the ensemble. This DEWG had changed out of her pants and underroos from the previous night and replaced them with Victoria's Secret's version of "granny panties," something Decadence thought she had long since thrown away.

Last but not least, Decadence: Decadence awoke face-down under the covers on the side of the bed facing the rest of the open room. When she awoke she first realized that the middle DEWG was laying on top of the covers and on top of 3/4 of Decadence's body. Decadence was still in her top from the bachelorette party, but was immediately aware that she was wearing nothing else.

Fancy appeared to have fared the nap well. The middle DEWG was in pain from the beads and from the granny panties that were several sizes too big for her. Decadence felt exposed and awkward (as she was laying on her stomach, she could see her pants from the night before strewn on the floor by the bed...but where were her undergarments?).

One can easily see why the petite DEWG might
experience pain...just imagine the chaffing  

Sleepy sleepless groaning ensued as each awoke. Shifting followed as the littlest DEWG realized she was laying on top of Decadence.

The following questions were posed and some were answered...in no particular order:
Q: Why are you on top of the covers?
A: I couldn't figure out how to get under the sheets!

Q: (To self) Oww! Why does my neck hurt?!
A: Oh, I'm still wearing my beads from last night.

Q:When did we go to bed?
---insert sound of crickets chirping

Q: Whose underwear am I wearing?! These things are HUGE!
A: Those are mine, but I could have sworn I threw those things away YEARS ago!
subsequent Q: Where did you find them? Did you search through boxes under my bed to find those?
subsequent A: I don't know, but I am in pain!

Q: Umm, guys, I don't seem to have anything on from the waist down. Did I streak through the apartment bottomless?
A: (both responded) I have no idea.
---response-Well, at least there's that. I'm going to need you two to keep your eyes closed while I find something to put on.
---subsequent response from both-No problem.

The missing underwear was found several yards away in the bathroom, which posed the question: how much running around did Decadence do between the bed, bathroom, and perhaps around the apartment when the underroos were in the bathroom and her pants were by the bed? This mystery has never been solved.

Soon the trio emerged from their resting place and were dressed ready to tackle a breakfast of champions: Steak and Shake.

Upon entering the living room, however...

Stray cats had invaded the apartment of Decadence
upon smelling the nuked 30 day old hot beef...

Thankfully, no, this did not actually happen, but what they thought would be a normal day spent in hungover stupor would become a day fit for Sherlock Holmes.

Fantastical puzzled bewilderment was the expression/look of the day;
sans pipe and experiment beakers

Just as the trio entered the living room, Fancy and Decadence were discussing the deliciousness of the re-heated burritos they enjoyed a few short hours ago. The petite DEWG stated, "I don't even think I went in the kitchen last night, guys."

The trail of feathers from her feather boa suggested otherwise. Decadence and Fancy had removed their feather boas as soon as they came in the apartment the night prior. For the third DEWG, it was clear that she wore hers throughout the night's events and it shed the entire time.

Judging from the trail of feathers, not only had the petite DEWG visited the kitchen, she had run multiple laps between the living room, the kitchen and Decadence's bedroom. Perhaps she was training for an obstacle course race.

While Fancy and the other DEWG searched for their purses and phones, Decadence inspected the kitchen. One to-go box was on the countertop, one was missing. Also on the counter was a large empty plastic container that had once housed crock-pot hot beef/stew leftovers. This meal was originally cooked at least 30 days before the current shenanigans and had yet to be disposed of.

One thing you should know about Decadence: she has an irrational fear of botulism poisoning. This can be traced back to the story Mama Brown used to tell Decadence about distant family members that were almost killed due to consuming undercooked corn. Since hearing this story as a young girl, Decadence has transferred this fear of botulism to associate any foods that have been sitting for more than 4 days as potentially containing the deadly poison.

As such, Decadence was convinced that these undisposed of leftovers contained botulism. Upon seeing the container empty and no sign of the leftovers anywhere in the apartment, Decadence went into a tailspin. Trying her best not to scare the others with her reaction at the seriousness of the situation, Decadence questioned the two other DEWG members. Neither remembered heating, handling or eating the leftovers.

Decadence came to the following series of conclusions:
-Someone ate these leftovers.
-There's no way Decadence ate them, even if she was drugged, she would never have eaten those leftovers-per her irrational fear.
-Someone will die today.

Decadence tried to drive the severity of this situation home to the other DEWGs, but they would hear nothing of her warning. All looked close to death for other reasons and omitted stench from their pores, so the argument could be made that the potentially ingested leftovers should be the last of their concerns.

Meanwhile, the search for phones proved successful. The search for purses, wallets, check cards was not so successful. The breakfast trip would also be a trip back to the Palace Saloon for car, purse and check card retrieval.

On the way out of the front door, Decadence made one last look in the corner of the room and behind the couch. Bingo. One purse found, complete with a receipt where the signature line had been blacked out via zig-zag scribbling.

With this success...on to Steak and Shake:

This picture perfectly illustrates the Steak and Shake breakfast experience.

Next to the Palace: Fancy's card was retrieved with only a $10 charge posted. The third DEWG's purse was retrieved here without the card-turns out hers was back at the apartment after all. A short chat later, the petite DEWG hopped in her car and led the caravan back to Alumni Village where she and Fancy lived.  

It's a classy establishment, if you love to live in fear.

This man lives there. He holds
many ornate parties for
children.

This man escaped prison, immediately fled to
Alumni Village, and was arrested there.

This woman is not deterred and allows her children to live and play there, unattended.

The rest of this day was spent watching Lifetime movies on the couch and floor of the petite DEWG's apartment, while Decadence feared the moment when one of the DEWG would drop dead and another DEWG texted Scabtoes.

Both Scabtoes and the DEWG member were under the notion that they had shared a romantic moment the night before, and it was arranged that Scabtoes would come to the apartment of Decadence (neutral ground for the DEWG member) and watch Billy Elliot later that afternoon.

Billy Elliot should have been a bit foreboding as it is likely that as a dancer,
Billy Elliot also had scabs for toenails.

The DEWG members converged on the apartment of Decadence. Scabtoes arrived (it was in this meeting that the presence of scabs in place of toenails on this person's feet was realized.)

As one would, Scabtoes assumed that this was furthering the romantic connection. The DEWG member thought otherwise and the love was short lived.

A month later Fancy and Decadence returned to the Palace Saloon for a friend's birthday celebration. All of the regular patrons knew their names immediately. The lady-duo was unable to reciprocate. This visit proved to be almost as dramatic of a night as the previous visit had been, minus the romance and bachelorettism. Scabtoes was present, but it was this night that a Palace Saloon patron enlightened them about one final mystery:

It was not Scabtoes who made a romantic connection with one of the DEWGS, it was one of the bartenders. "Foiled again!" Thought the DEWG who may or may not have been present this night...

This has very little to do with the aftermath, but I like where they're going with this message.

Unaddressed issue: The rancid meat was never actually consumed. It was found in the missing to-go container 30 hours later, still in the microwave...

Crisis averted.

Staycation Shenanigans

With spring break under way across this great land, Decadence is reminded of the time she spent the last weekend of a spring break at school rather than off blowing money and parading around anywhere-but-here. The other members of the previously mentioned DEWG or Destiny Express Wheel Gang (in Rico-Free Gang Formation) followed suit. 

The twin sister of one of DEWG's members was also visiting on this occasion. While sitting at dinner, the DEWG members joined forces. The question was posed: "How do we keep the visitor entertained while we get to wreak DEWG-havoc around Talla-nasty?"

Each completed a silent inventory of the left-over holiday and celebratory supplies they possessed. It was decided that between the four, they had an inordinate amount of bachelorette party-related supplies, i.e. feather boas, a tiara, a large shiny multi-colored crystal ring, a bachelorette sash, and Mardi Gras beads.

It was decided, after they finished the margaritas and 1/2 cooked chicken burritos/tacos/quesadillas, they would return to their respective homes and prepare for an impromptu bachelorette party. 

Who was the bachelorette? The guest of honor! This, they decided, would ensure that she was entertained, made friends, and that all would receive an unknown amount of free beverages…

The ladies dressed in their finest bachelorette attire, then donned the party supplies gathered to make the party look official. Now where to go?  The idea of going to a new establishment was introduced…the Palace Saloon perhaps? 

Might be fun to check it out, they thought. After all, they had a great drink special until 11.

"We'll just go there for a few hours, then go somewhere else." -not quite how things worked out.

The "Palace Saloon" of Tallahassee is a far cry from it's Fernandina Beach counterpart which claims an extensive pirate history and hails as the oldest saloon in the state of Florida…the Tallahassee version is, to say the least, completely underwhelming and the absolute last place a group might plan a bachelorette party.

The Palace Saloon of Fernandina Beach. 

It's a bit of a rough, local crowd. Especially during spring break with a majority of students out of town.

The Palace offers a variety of activities for its patrons including darts, pool, sports on TV, smoking cigarettes indoors, a jukebox, a punching bag, and for the resourceful group: assemble-it-yourself beer pong. 

This picture is not entirely accurate. This is Tally's Palace Saloon
after extensive renovations. DEWG was there pre-renovation.

Tally Palace Saloon signage. They have also been
know to display such things as "Vacuums Suck"

The Palace has a maximum of 3 kinds of beer on tap: Budweiser, Bud Light, and Miller Light. They also offer $2 sake bombs. This is the drink menu in its entirety.

Arriving at this fine establishment, the ladies did a quick scan and were immediately aware that they were out of their element. They avoided eye contact, as they were receiving lingering stares from all others in attendance.

Beverages were selected and the beer pong table was quickly assembled, as this could be placed away from the pedophile-esque gazes.

Pedophile stare

The following is a list of the evening's events (intersperse free sake bomb shots where you feel appropriate in the review of this list):

-Beer Pong.

-Punching Bag

-Bathroom Pow-Wow with DEWG members

-"Bachelorette" convinced to dance on the bar. The height of the roof was not accounted for and the 5'2" bachelorette had to bend over enough to reduce her height to 4'5" in order to stand and "dance" on said bar.

-Beer Pong rematch

-Hostile takeover of Jukebox when Fancy put a $20 in the machine, thinking it would give her change.

-Darts

-Bachelorette makes out with bar patron in the corner-cover is slightly blown as a result.

-Bachelorette approaches identical twin sister/DEWG member and says "He (guy the bachelorette was just spending time in the corner with) thinks you're hot." 

-Punching bag challenge

-Beer Pong challenge with new friends

-Nameless single DEWG member (not Decadence) makes out with "Scab Toes" as he would come to be known.

Visual likeness of Scab Toes' actual feet

-Bathroom heart-to-heart

-Another DEWG member (also not Decadence) assigns herself the duty of finding a male patron to strip for the bachelorette party

It was at this point that Decadence and the DEWG twin decided that perhaps the night should continue elsewhere…elsewhere being home.

Decadence, seemingly responsible by her actions of cutting DEWG members off from more sake bombs by passing them to the twin DEWG, asked for her check. When the tab came, she turned to the twin DEWG and with a panicked look on her face, exclaimed: "I don't know what to DO!" The responsible twin DEWG was forced to add a tip to the tab, then instructed Decadence to sign along the line. Decadence chose to scribble back and forth along the signature line until it was completely blacked out with pen ink. (The duplicate copy of this receipt was found the next morning.)

DEWG's new friend "Scab Toes" was volunteered to drive the ladies home in his PT Cruiser as the ladies were quite aware of their inability to operate any machinery. 

Turns out ole Scab Toes lived across the street from Decadence and twin DEWG.

This list compiles the events that took place following the ladies' return home:

-While still wearing feather boas, various members of the party ran around in circles between the kitchen and living room of Decadence's apartment

-One DEWG member stole a bag of ripe tomatoes from an unknown apartment stoop and proceeded to throw this entire bag of tomatoes from the 3rd story apartment into the parking lot below 

The thrown tomatoes instantly drowned this man

-Either Decadence or Fancy reheated the uneaten portions of the burrito dinner from earlier in the night

-Decadence threw her purse into the corner of the room behind the couch

-Deciding that the burrito leftovers were not enough, either Fancy or Decadence popped 30 day old pot roast/hot beef/slow cooker stew into the microwave in a styrofoam container, where it would stay for the next 30 hours

-The tomato stealing DEWG member rocked herself back and forth in the fetal position in the middle of the living room floor, repeating "Where am I?" for at least 30 minutes.

This is not an actual DEWG member, but it's a cleaner version
of what the DEWG member was doing this night

Ending the story here leaves countless pieces of the puzzle unaddressed. Part two of this historic staycation will recount the events of the day that follows which include (but is not limited to) three DEWG members waking in the same bed and a Scab Toes reunion.

Happy Spring Break!

Rico-Free Gang Formation

In order to truly maximize one's time on earth and/or with other human beings with which one finds a connection, one must form clubs (or groups, gangs, posses, crews, etc.). It has been said that the formation of gangs or groups creates a stronger bond between members, and in the case of the example gangs to be discussed here this notion was fully supported.
The gangs suggested and spoken of here do not endorse or take part in fear mongering or hate, they do not have needs to commit illegal acts; they are merely for the purposes of furthering the enjoyment of life. Both were formed during periods of time that had a definite end in the near future, aka college and graduate school, which perhaps served to further the feeling of urgency felt by the members to "live it up" while they had the freedom to do so.
Starting from the beginning...well before Decadence was discovered, she was a gang/club former. It seems Decadence has always been able to find individuals who share her affinity for adventure, wildness, and for "laugh-cries" (which is exactly what it sounds like-laughing so hard, tears stream down the face). Upon finding such individuals, the natural order of events takes place and inevitably a gang is formed. The formation of said gangs takes careful planning among the willing members, or simply many escalating conversations about logistics, rules, events, creeds, etc. At the official formation, the members come together as a stronger unit for the greater good of the gang versus the individual needs of the members (this concept sounds familiar...).
Strictly speaking of the gangs Decadence has been affiliated with, once formed new membership was near impossible. The original gang members knew and understood that this would be a lifelong commitment and such a commitment is unwavering.
Names of members cannot be revealed for obvious reasons, but the names of such gangs will now be released publicly.
The SAAs:

The SAAs or the Self-Appointed Assholes was the brainchild of Decadence and a nameless (for now) co-creator. This gang is the more organized gang of the two discussed in this post. It was formed with a creed which essentially stated that the members would "be the entertainers of self and others" an open-ended creed that the members took seriously in promising each other that each would never again be bored. The members of this gang all had birthdays that fell in the same month, a month that is now referred to as DeSAAmber. DeSAAmber is a month dedicated to the SAAs, SAAlebration, and AAdventure. As one might guess, when in full SAA-mode, members replaced each plain lowercase a with a double capitol AA. Act of defiance? Perhaps.
This gang also established a new understanding that one should not work too hard. In the aim of enjoying every minute left (what was then time as an undergrad student and has now become working adult) the SAA member knew that at any time, they might be called upon for adventure, responsibility be damned.
One might say that when together, the members of either gang experience "flashes of Decadence" which can be defined as a few minutes to upwards of several hours of Decadence-style daring-ness. Now when forming a gang, one should come up with their own activities because from an outside vantage point the gang activities of the SAAs may seem under-whelming, but this list lacks details of actual events (so as to stay out of reach of prosecution). SAA activities include organized and made-up games, "tagging", pranks, sticker sticking, heckling, beverage and/or food consumption, running/chasing, yelling, bike riding--sometimes in formation (sometimes trying to avoid running into things, other times SAAs were asked to vacate premises for safety concerns), roller skating, and the list could go on...

 Tagging via Defacement of national currency...(see upper right corner)

DEWG:
The newest gang to be formed is DEWG or the Destiny Express Wheel Gang. Also known for its shenanigans and havoc-wreaking, this gang was formed along the same lines, that living and experiencing life fully encompasses a certain amount of urgency, this urgency drives the adventure. Employing many of the same activities as the SAAs, DEWG members understand that just around the corner is serious responsibility. With this knowledge, the DEWG member fights to hold onto every last moment as a free soul. Many times grasping onto the moments one has leads to escalating situations, and situation escalation is what DEWG (and the SAAs) are all about.



Both gangs still exist and at times have been known to wreak havoc on establishments, homes, streets, and cities. Gang formation is a favorite past time of Decadence (and pre-Decadence). These examples go hand-in-hand with the examples serving to define Decadence.

Defining Decadence

It may be necessary to define exactly what Decadence means in the case of this entity referred to as "Decadence Brown." This definition will of course come with examples.

Starting from the beginning, Decadence meant class, elegance, and the finest things money could buy-to the extreme. Now this was manifested in the 80's prom theme as follows: a tight (more like painted on) purple velvet dress with an off the shoulder, scallop-edged top, taken up at the bottom where graduated layers of neon green and yellow tulle were added and slits had to be cut in order to allow for dancing, walking, and movement of the knees. This look was accessorized with a metallic hot pink purse and shoes, a hand sewn orchid forearm-sized corsage, a large flower and tulle hair piece, and a glow-in-the-dark prom court sash. As the night ensued, so did Decadence. On this night, however, others were more carried away than Decadence and it was she who pieced many others' nights together, this after a fast one was pulled on Decadence and she was left at the after party with only one other person she knew. This only served to prove from day one that Decadence was a survivor who was able to make the best of any situation...

After this Decadence spent many a day distracting the host self from completing assignments that had nearing due dates, preventing the host self from searching for employment that would earn her money for more adventures after an impending graduation, and countless hours filled with a mindset of "Yeah, yeah, yeah, WHATever. I do what I want!" Others were pulled into these shenanigans and no apologies are needed for this because in many circumstances this sort of attitude is called for, but the lesson of note here is this: if Decadence had her way, this mindset would have no limits, no boundaries, and all would join her. Decadence lives with a sense of urgency, like running at a full sprint with no thoughts of exhaustion, soreness, injury, or the like-that every minute could be the final minute. The problem arises when responsibility rears its ugly head...
Decadence did remain relatively undetected for a few weeks during this time, it's only during thoughtful reflection that she was found.

Perfect day of Decadence shared by all

The next definition-example pair relates to Decadence's partiality to saying "yes" when a simple "no" would suffice. Because Decadence is who she is, yes is a much more appealing idea. Many times she has the foresight to know what will happen when yes is the answer, and will even warn those around her of what is about to happen...and then "yes" happens and the bit of foreshadowing preceding the "yes" becomes reality. Example: Decadence does not tolerate rum, especially in small amounts without mixers and/or chasers (although various mixed beverages pass inspection). On the occasion of this example, Decadence warned her good friend Fancy Freeman when Fancy offered Decadence a rum shot. Decadence went so far as to warn Fancy that the shot would make Decadence lose a to-be-determined amount of her stomach contents. Fancy did not listen. Fancy pushed for the shot to be taken, and Decadence with her preference for the word "yes" took the shot. Upon taking the shot, Decadence tilted her head back for intake then just as quickly forward towards the clean, polished wooden bar where, just as predicted, a small amount of stomach contents-including the rum-were deposited on the bar and the bar stool beside the bar. Decadence looked at Fancy and said, "I told you!" Since this time, Fancy has refrained from offering/pressuring Decadence to take a rum shot.

Decadence says "No"

Often Decadence shares a motto uttered by Clark W. Griswold, Jr. in Christmas Vacation: "We're gonna do it right, and we're gonna do it big." which is also fitting considering this time of year. Is doing it "big" or pushing it to the extreme in the case of the current definition always best? Of course not, but when it comes to Decadence it tends to be standard. Take the example of Decadence's new-found death-allergy...upon "venom testing" (technical term) it turns out that Decadence is, as the doctor stated it "extremely allergic to all stinging insects". Now really, what would be the fun of only being allergic to one stinging insect? Who has time to differentiate between the pesky devils? Why not brave the great outdoors with a severe allergy to all stinging insects-clearly life gets more interesting in the latter situation...such is Decadence.
A version of this sort of living has also been summarized in terms you may be familiar with: "When it rains it pours." This has also become a way of Decadence. Decadence has been known to have bad days, but because Decadence lives in extremes-bad days tend to be especially and extravagantly bad. In these cases, it is necessary to reflect on how ridiculously bad the day was, ponder how quickly the situation or series of situations escalated, and then (hopefully) laugh, make fun of, or shake a fist at the day. At times Decadence will purposefully make a day or situation worse as a test to see if it can be done. Warning: such is a test that always works. Examples of these situations will come in due time.

The alternative is good days, but again rules of living in extremes (although the combination of rules and extremes seems unnatural) means that good days become fantastic days that must be celebrated with whatever means necessary. The same applies for awkwardness-awkwardness should be celebrated, after the embarrassment passes. Fancy reframes the awkwardness of Decadence as something that attracts people to Decadence. Could this be true? Perhaps...perhaps it even normalizes others' fears that they too are socially awkward.

A brief introduction...

The House of Decadence is devoted to telling the true stories of the life of Decadence Brown (and in the process, hopefully normalizing the wildness going down in your life). "Decadence Brown" began as a theme for an 80's Prom party, quickly morphing into a shadow of the host self, and has since begun to take over the daily life of said self. -On a side note, Decadence Brown should have won first place in the 80's Prom Queen department, but this title was robbed from her by Fancy Freeman and if Decadence had won this much-deserved title, none of the following stories may have ever happened. Instead the world and I (the host) has Decadence Brown to deal with...at times, she can be exhausting.
**Pictured here: Decadence Brown, Euro-Trash Pardee, and  Fancy Freeman**