Things one should never mention when meeting Mama Brown

It's time for yet another list. This is one dedicated to things that Mama Brown is still angry about. This is not to say that she holds grudges, but the items on this list are things that may or may not immediately infuriate her if they are mentioned. 

95% of the time, Mama Brown is happy, jovial, smiling, and sometimes singing a tune. During the other 5% of the time, she may or may not be at varying stages of anger-depending on the level of sarcasm she is exposed to in that moment. Mama Brown does not like sarcasm, but when around her family, she is often engulfed by it.

If you ever meet the one and only Mama Brown, make sure not to mention these things...

#1-Once and only once, Mama Brown forgot to pick Decadence up from school. Mama Brown hates that Decadence remembers this isolated incident. She also hates that occasionally in conversation about nothing related to this incident, Decadence will work it into the conversation. 

This makes Mama Brown growl with anger.

#2-Mama Brown has always been a bit of a fashionista. Many years ago she got a new ensemble that flowed majestically in the wind or when she walked. One day she put it on with great pride to wear it to some sort of event.

The ensemble never saw the light of day  due to the feedback she received from Father Brown. Upon seeing his wife in the new ensemble, he said "You look like you're ready to ride a camel." 

IOUs inspire hate in Mama Brown

#3-Father Brown for some reason or another did not do his Christmas shopping for Mama Brown one year. His two children received gifts as per usual, but Mama Brown opened wrapped box after wrapped box of IOUs. Each IOU specified what Father Brown intended to buy Mama Brown and she could turn these in at any time for the actual item, just not on Christmas day.

This Christmas has been mentioned and relived with each new Christmas celebration. Mama Brown was not amused then and she has never been amused one day since...

#4-Being featured in this blog. 

#5-Mama Brown has various actresses and shows that make her scream in horror upon the mere mentioning...

~Carol Channing (from "Hello Dolly" among other things)

~Bernadette Peters

~Joan Rivers

~Joan Crawford (especially in Mommy Dearest)

~Annie (as in the Broadway play)

~"It's a Wonderful Life"

#6-As a senior in high school, the parents of Decadence decided that they would bestow upon her a "new" car that she could "take to college with her". Decadence was briefly consulted about this. Although Decadence was less than thrilled to leave her Scirocco behind, she was excited at the idea of taking a car to college with her. The "new" car was purchased from Decadence's aunt and uncle. 

It was a Moby Dick inspired White Whale of a car. A boat that struggled to stay in its lane. 

Actually it was a 1996 (?) white Mercury Grand Marquis-that looked nothing like this car...

Upon first sight, Decadence declared that this car would not be going to college with her. Decadence is not picky on a regular basis nor is she overly concerned by what others think of her or her ride, but here she had hit her limit for some inexplicable reason.

Due to the inconsistent performance of the Scirocco, it became imperative that unless she wanted to ride the bus to school, Decadence would have to drive the cruise ship to high school.

At Decadence's high school there were numbered parking spots. After a month into school, all of the driving students were completely familiar with their friends and other students' parking spots. Decadence had one that was, of course, front and center. 

On this day, she somehow navigated the car into the parking spot without propping the car halfway on the curb. This was also the day of a full-day field trip to Atlanta. Wishing to create the suspicion that some unknown student had stolen Decadence's parking spot for the day, Decadence ran from the car and inside the school building as soon as the car was in place.

Visual likeness of the parking job that morning.

Decadence boarded the bus to ATL and enjoyed the rest of the day without mention of the car.

The field trip ran over and Decadence + the other field trip students arrived back at school about an hour after the school day ended. 

"No worries," thought Decadence, "I have the mammoth to take me home." While walking to the car, she began to reach in her bookbag for the car keys. "Where'd I put the keys? Hmmm" (more searching). "Surely I didn't…"

In this moment, Decadence reached the car. The driver's side door was unlocked and only slightly ajar. Keys were in the ignition. Sitting in the car, Decadence did not notice anything out of place. Turning the key in the ignition did nothing to start the beast. "Uh oh. Mom's going to think I did this on purpose."

Her best guess was that she had left the car running, with the door slightly open…for the entire day.

Now of course, the battery was dead.

Mama Brown was called to retrieve the stranded Decadence. 

She was fiery mad, brimming with thoughts that this was done intentionally.

As a final note, this list was read to Mama Brown prior to posting, resulting in many screams from Mama Brown and a new anger for each of the items listed.

It's all done in love, Mama Brown!

Scirocco Saga Conclusion...

Sadly, we have reached the third and final installment of the Scirocco Saga.

To review:

This is a slightly accurate replica of the Scirocco Decadence drove, the main
difference being that this car has no apparent attitude.

Not to be confused with this, a Delorean.

Both cars have been a part of adventures, but only one can be called Scirocco.

During the time between the events reported in part deux and this latest installment, young Decadence graduated high school and left for college a few hours away from home. The Scirocco did not join Decadence at college because her parents "did not trust the car to go long distances." Funny. It seemed to Decadence that the car couldn't handle short distances. Long distances were usually successful ventures.

Decadence missed her poor, lonely Scirocco. She longed to drive her beloved death trap more and more everyday. She imagined that the car waited in anticipation at home for her, pining for the next adventure...

With this look on its matte-finished face

While home for breaks from school, the Scirocco would sputter to life after the long rests and the two would ride all over town, visiting friends who remained in Athens. Most excursions were successful.

On numerous occasions, Decadence and the Scirocco cruised the classic city in style (using the term loosely) and the memories of car's past misdeeds faded...

These memories faded to the extent that when presented with the idea of going to a concert at the Georgia Theater with some of her friends over her spring break trip home, she didn't think twice about joining the crew. The plan was to drive downtown, park the Scirocco in the well-lit parking lot, deemed "old faithful," join the friends downtown, attend aforementioned concert, then drive home.

As you might have guessed, the events of the night did not unfold as planned.

First a review of road conditions in Athens at this time, as it is pertinent to the story.

This was a time of development and commercial expansion in Athens, not a time of renovation or repair of existing structures and roadways. Perhaps the most glaring example of this was East Campus Road. A long, winding road that carried one from Lumpkin Street through downtown Athens. This road took the driver down through a less travelled part of campus and most importantly, along the side and base of Sanford Stadium hence making it a Decadence favorite.

Sanford Stadium-Go Dawgs

By day one could see the countless potholes, cracks, missing pavement, patches, and sinkhole sized gouges that had been carved out of the road from years of vehicle traffic and perhaps movement of the tectonic plates. (Sudden and unexpected movement of tectonic plates would be the only excuse for the condition of the road.) While driving on this road in the daylight, the driver could attempt to dodge the various obstacles-key word attempt-but at night it was a losing game of driving a tank through a mine field.

East Campus Road-ish road conditions by day:

Although the real East Campus Road was much more of a mess and was never marked with cones
or attended to by orange jumpsuit clad repairmen. 

This was not a rare occurrence for the brave souls who chose to navigate East Campus Road...

Now that the road conditions involved have been reviewed, the details of the episode in question can be revealed.

The night began as Decadence left her parent's house, located about 15 minutes away from downtown Athens. Excited to see her friends, Decadence strained to hear the music of the radio over the sputtering and roaring of the engine as she travelled down the dark roads of Oconee and Clarke counties. As she reached the Clarke county line, road conditions worsened and Decadence noticed that her car's handling too had worsened. 

It was normal for her to keep a vice-inspired grip on the wheel to keep the car from veering off the road or into oncoming traffic, but this time something seemed more off than usual. The car seemed to pull in multiple directions at once and although Decadence travelled at a low speed (about 40 in a 45), the car shook much more violently than was typical.

Decadence slowed her speed more for she was in no hurry. 35 in a 45 zone. 

Continued violent shaking. 

Think old fashioned vibrating belt machine shaking

Decadence turned onto East Campus Road just as she slowed to 30 miles per hour. 

Utter mine field.

If the car was displaying severe problems before this, they paled in comparison to what happened next.

Decadence had to lean forward and use her forearms in the grip she held on the steering wheel as it turned and tugged in any way possible. Decadence turned the radio off-an undeniable sign of vehicular seriousness. 

Decadence slowed to 25 as she talked sweet nothings into the Scirocco's dashboard. In between hitting sinkholes that jarred her entire body, she even patted the dashboard gently, promising "You will never have to drive me around again if you just get me to the parking lot. You can retire forever, just please don't kill me."

Strange noises emerged from the car. Metal scraping, strange creaking, and of course the sound of everything in the car soaring then subsequently landing somewhere new as she unsuccessfully avoided sinkholes. Decadence feared the wheel would fall off the car again. She slowed to 20.

If you are unfamiliar with the "Old Faithful" reference-
this is it, along with a herd of Bison.

Without a cell phone, she would be unable to call anyone if she had to abandon the car. It was pitch black dark and she was still over a mile away from downtown. She knew she had to risk driving as far as she could. "I'm just going to get you to a nice, safe parking place at the 'old faithful' parking lot where no one will bother you." She whispered to the car, patting the dashboard yet again.

Painfully and at a speed of 15 miles per hour, the Scirocco finished the intended journey. As promised, Decadence parked the car in a well lit, but slightly hidden parking spot. She bid the Scirocco farewell, knowing that there was no way this car would successfully be driven further.

Decadence made the trek across downtown to meet her friends. While enjoying the company of her best friends, Decadence couldn't shake the feeling that her Scirocco Saga might have seen its final adventure. Decadence did not return to the car that night. Decadence instead stayed with her friend on campus and decided that she would call her parents in the morning and relay the story.

Next morning: Decadence calls home. Parents are fuming. 

Fuming. 

Decadence was supposed to call last night and tell them she would not come home-it was ALL they asked. (eh hem. side note-Decadence's parents were also cell phoneless and every night before bed, they would unplug the phone by their bed so it would not wake them in the night)

"I'm sorry" Decadence said, "but I absolutely could NOT drive the car. I still can't. It is REALLY messed up this time." 

"Oh that is NONSENSE!" was the reply.

"I really need y'all to come get me, there is no way I am driving the car."

Even madder. "Oh this is just RIDICULOUS! FINE, we will come pick you up and your dad will drive the car home."

Decadence was waiting with her friend on the curb when they drove up, still fuming.

Together the three drove to what Decadence had promised the Scirocco would be its final resting place while Decadence heard all about how angry her parents were.

Father Brown retrieved the car key from Decadence and enterd the car. The Scirocco burst to life, but Decadence could hear anger and unrest in the sounds...

Mama Brown and Decadence decided that they would lead the way home while Father Brown followed in the Scirocco. Mama Brown turned left out of the parking lot with no traffic in sight. Father Brown echoed this maneuver. After this and within seconds, the two women lost sight of Father Brown and the Scirocco. 

"Mmm, he'll catch up at the light." Mama Brown said hopefully. Decadence remained silent for she had given them both fair warning.

At the first red light, no sign of the duo. 

Second light, no sighting. 

Mama Brown pulled over on the side of the road. "Where is that man?" she asked.

Decadence was silent.

Mama Brown, driving 1996 (?) Mercury Grand Marquis, pulled a 15 point turn to head back in the opposite direction. They passed the second light, then the first with no sign of the Scirocco. They did not find Father Brown and the Scirocco until they reached the parking lot next to the original parking lot, where the car was parked and Father Brown was leaning against the car.

As the ladies drove up with the window down, Father Brown exclaimed "I'm not driving this car another  FOOT!! This car is about to fall apart!"

"I told you! What did you think? I made it up?!" Decadence responded, exasperated. 

"Well, I guess we'll call Darcy on Monday and have him tow it over to the shop, see what's wrong with it" was the ever-famous resolution.

Although-this time there would be no magical Darcy repairs. The frame of the car had cracked in half. The car could not even be towed, a platform truck had to come scrape the Scirocco's remains off of the pavement.

Where is the Scirocco now? Who knows. 

Stacked in this stack of cars?

Sold for parts? Smashed to bits?

Decadence likes to imagine that the man pictured below salvaged the unbroken part of the frame and has since earned a small fortune for himself using the legendary Scirocco as a rickshaw. 

In order to buy into this fantasy that immortalizes the Scirocco, you must look past the fact that this rickshaw is not actually made from a Scirocco frame. Let's say this is his other rickshaw.

Decadence and her Cars

Has your front axle ever broken while you were driving, causing your wheel to fall off of your car?

Have your brakes ever gone out while driving down a hill and into an intersection with a red light and traffic moving rapidly through the intersection, while your mother sat in the passenger seat?

Has the frame of your car ever broken in half while you drove down the road?

Well, then to you I must say: You have not LIVED.



Decadence hears people claim "I'm going to drive this car into the ground." How often does one claiming this actually drive the car into the ground? You may think that because Decadence is all about finery to the max, that she would use, abuse, and trade in her cars for the next best thing--but you would be wrong. In this case, Decadence (excluding her current ride, Judyth) starts with shit-tastic cars, then uses and abuses them until they fall to pieces. In fact, the claim that one will drive a car into the ground reminds Decadence of the car she actually drove into the ground, on two separate occasions.

An entire blog could be dedicated to this topic, but alas, brevity will be attempted and this will hopefully be contained within two posts. Buckle up.

Part I

A bit of background.
Decadence at 16; just a glimpse of the madness to come was visible in her eyes. With a birthday that fell over the Christmas break, she was ecstatic to arrive on the first day of the new year in style. This style, as fate would have it, was a white 1984 Volkswagen Scirocco, Wolfgang Edition (what what) manual transmission, with 230,000 miles on it.

This car had no tape player because years earlier, in an attempt to "jump" the car back to life, Decadence's father had blown it out by crossing the cables. The car had amazing heat, all year long (super convenient for living in Georgia). When the air conditioning was turned on, it blew hot air, leaves, dirt, and sand onto the driver and unsuspecting passenger. It had manual windows and locks. The windows cranks doubled as a weight-lifting workout. It had a huge trunk, perhaps big enough for two people. The back hatch was massive and the mechanism that held this hatch open while one dug deep into the trunk for a lost pen or shoe, had long ago faltered. If opened, a second person would have to hold the heavy hatch door up and open for the other to dig in the trunk. If this was not done, death may or may not ensue.

The car had a permanent scent of fuel, oil, exhaust, dirt, and vinyl; the likes of which have never been replicated. When turned on, the car roared like a monster truck rally. If the radio was working, it had to be turned up all the way in order to hear the music over the deafening sound of the car. If a passenger had something to say, shouting would not suffice, a megaphone was needed. When driving at any speed below 80 miles per hour, the car shook and vibrated so much that Decadence developed toned arms from gripping the steering wheel (above 80, if you could get to that point, the car hummed and became the smoothest ride imaginable).

To amp up the class of this fine vehicle, Decadence saved her loose change and invested in fuzzy cow-print seat covers for the two front bucket seats and the back bench seat. They were expensive and really gave Decadence the look she was going for...

Oh, and before Decadence was to drive it to school, it had spent the last 18 months in the car repairman's lot due to his inability to figure out what exactly was wrong with it...beyond the fact that it was 14 years old and had 230,000 miles on it.

This is not the actual car, but it is damn close. One noted difference: the Wolfgang Edition had white rim-style hubcaps and had a bit more of an attitude.

What's that? You have never heard of a Volkswagen Scirocco? Once again: You have not lived! Also,  it is quite possible that they stopped selling them in the US after 1984 or 1985. Even Wikipedia reports a gap between production from 1992-2008. Decadence has not seen one driving down the road in at least 5 years.

Many people during the reign of the Scirocco made
comments that it looked like this car, but this is a Delorean,
and much more expensive; plus it starred
in a few movies about going back to the future

Back to the sweet 16 ride...Decadence's parents pulled it out of the shop just in time to practice driving it, obtain the coveted driver's license, and prepare for the debut at Oconee County High School as a driver. On the morning young Decadence was to drive to school the first time, she took off down the mile long (newly paved after a lifetime of gravel road living) road to the "main" road. Only this time, when the car began the incline of the one and only hill on said road, it shut off. Without warning, the car died and because it didn't have those confangled things called "automatic..." or "anti-lock..." blah blah blah, it seized up and began to roll immediately down the same hill, rapidly. Somehow the deep ditches on either side of the road were avoided and the car came to a stop in the middle of the road.

Was this a sign to the parents that this car would try on multiple occasions to murder dear Decadence? No. They simply said as they would so many times in the future. "Well, let's take it back to Darcy and get it fixed." (Darcy's name was not changed for the purposes of this blog.)

At a certain point, Decadence began to feel
that she too drove a car like this...

A few months and break-downs later, the neighbors knew Decadence a bit better after picking her up off the side of the road and hauling her home and her parents began to speak of obtaining a cell phone "for emergencies only." Decadence's unsuccessfully presented alternative was of course: replace the car.

On one seemingly uneventful spring night during this time, Decadence was driving home from her brother's soccer game while the rest of the family stayed behind at the field. While driving, Decadence noticed the slightest bit of tugging from the steering wheel, but it was so slight that it went by unnoticed until later reflection. Pulling the car around the driveway that circled in front of the house, the car suddenly began pulling and lurching to the left as if she had slammed into something on the right side of the car. The only thing that was on the right side of the car was the new car Decadence's father had bought only weeks earlier.

Panic stricken that she had hit her father's new car and was now aimed directly at a large pine tree in the front yard, Decadence tried to pull the car back into the center of the gravel driveway. No matter how hard she pulled, the car aimed for the pine tree. Decadence slammed on the brakes until the car finally came to a halt.

Decadence jumped out of the car to inspect her father's car for damage. No damage. She walked to her car to inspect, all seemed normal on the right side of the car. She walked to the front of the car, all clear. Same with the left. Walking back around the car, she noticed that the gravel was out of place around the right front tire. Gouges of gravel had been made by this tire. Then she saw it, the wheel was hanging off to the right of the car, held to the car by a cable. How did she not see this before? Because she was only looking for damage to the side and bumper? Leaning to look under the car she saw what had been a solid axle, now broken in half and partially laying on the ground.

"What am I supposed to do now?!" Decadence screamed into the night. Of COURSE no one in the family had cell phones. Who would she call? What should she do? Well, first things first, go get the camera. After snapping a few shots of the axle and wheel, still no arrival of the family. Decadence only lasted a few minutes after picture time before she lost her marbles. Her emotional 16-year-old self took over and she sat on the walkway curb and sobbed...until her parents came home. Their response? "Huh! Will you look at that! Well, we'll have it towed over to Darcy's place in the morning and get it fixed."
Decadence was not soothed or amused with any part of this response.

The pictures of this incident have not been seen in many years, but hopefully this picture will satisfy your need for a visual example-if the car involved is the monster truck "Thunder Beast"

To be continued...

A Decadent List of Grievances

List of Grievances:

As our forefathers and others throughout history have deemed appropriate in the Declaration of Independence and elsewhere, Decadence would like to take some time to compile a list of grievances. This is not to say that Decadence is unappreciative of the things present in her life, it is merely a compilation of the unnecessary, annoying, or mundane elements that are present in the world. 

In no particular order:

1. The color orange. -Labelled officially by the "artworld" as a secondary color, it is often associated with sports teams Decadence does not care for-teams that often display a level of classless behavior-and in a way that only serves to make the school's colors/jerseys/campus an eyesore. When mixed with colors other than those directly next to it on the color wheel, it often makes a mud-inspired hue. It seems to be the leech of the color wheel, attaching itself to superior colors like red and thus pulling down a great color. Perhaps this color should remain in hiding until it is needed around the Halloween/Thanksgiving timeframe.

(The answer is No, I have not considered orange.)

2. The Mud Man. -For years as a child, Decadence's father (referred to here as Father Brown) would tell her and her brother tall tales of the Mud Man and his propensity for stealing the shoes of unsuspecting victims. He would only tell these tales while in the act of carrying the two children across patches of thick sticky mud, where the dreaded Mud Man lived. Without fail, as Father Brown crossed the patches of thick Mud Man territory, he would lose at least one of his shoes. Every time he felt the slightest bit of tug from said Mud Man, he made a dramatic and terrorizing display of trying to retrieve his lost shoe using only his submerged foot (aka. he would never put his hand/arm in the mud as this was too dangerous, so dangerous in fact, he might never survive). Often the lost shoe situation would turn more sinister as the Mud Man also attempted to keep Father Brown's foot and ankle. Father Brown would yell and writhe in panic, pain and fear-all while holding his children. This panic carried over to the children as they echoed his screams and cries for help. 

The Mud Man was extremely well fed in those days and the shoe casualty count was long ago lost due to high numbers. Luckily Father Brown never lost a foot, but he did raise two offspring that have a strange aversion to large patches of mud. If one needed a visual image of what the Mud Man might look like today after so many shoe binges, he might look something like this:

3. Cock Rock. (as Fancy refers to it and not to be confused with Crotch Rock or a cock block) -This is a situation in which less is more. Why does the world need so much "Cock Rock," Decadence feels that the saturation of Cock Rock has far outreached that which can be handled in one, nay seven,  lifetimes. Everything in moderation Cock Rockers. If lost, please refer to the example video here (sorry it begins with an advertisement):

4. Stinging insects. -Stinging insects did not make this list only because of Decadence's new-found death-allergy to them and she understands their necessity in the grand scheme of nature's functioning. Stinging insects made this list because of their propensity to sting mammals. Why? Why is it necessary to sting mammals? Because they feel threatened? Not necessarily, what if it's just to see what kind of havoc they can create. Is the purpose of their stinging to remind the stung individual of how great they had it before they were stung? Decadence finds it completely inappropriate that these creatures would sting something that could feel it, instead they should stick to pollinating flora, building nests for their young, producing honey, and whatever else they do while steering clear of the earth's fauna.

5. Dick Slang (Dance). -No words can do this listing justice, simply watch...

6. Lightning. -It seems completely unnecessary. It's nice to view from a safe distance in a dark sky, but it also kills electricity, trees, and people. Thunder seems sufficient to warn of an approaching storm. That is all.

7. Men's nipples. - The necessity of this was googled and no valuable information was found. Decadence was actually underwhelmed by the answer. Essentially there is no reason other than the fact that evolution and/or early fetal development has not found a way to rid the earth of them, sorry human males.

This of course is not a full list of grievances, but it seems to cover the essentials. Additions to the list are welcome and will be considered only if submitted in writing and postmarked by January 11th, 2011.