Things one should never mention when meeting Mama Brown

It's time for yet another list. This is one dedicated to things that Mama Brown is still angry about. This is not to say that she holds grudges, but the items on this list are things that may or may not immediately infuriate her if they are mentioned. 

95% of the time, Mama Brown is happy, jovial, smiling, and sometimes singing a tune. During the other 5% of the time, she may or may not be at varying stages of anger-depending on the level of sarcasm she is exposed to in that moment. Mama Brown does not like sarcasm, but when around her family, she is often engulfed by it.

If you ever meet the one and only Mama Brown, make sure not to mention these things...

#1-Once and only once, Mama Brown forgot to pick Decadence up from school. Mama Brown hates that Decadence remembers this isolated incident. She also hates that occasionally in conversation about nothing related to this incident, Decadence will work it into the conversation. 

This makes Mama Brown growl with anger.

#2-Mama Brown has always been a bit of a fashionista. Many years ago she got a new ensemble that flowed majestically in the wind or when she walked. One day she put it on with great pride to wear it to some sort of event.

The ensemble never saw the light of day  due to the feedback she received from Father Brown. Upon seeing his wife in the new ensemble, he said "You look like you're ready to ride a camel." 

IOUs inspire hate in Mama Brown

#3-Father Brown for some reason or another did not do his Christmas shopping for Mama Brown one year. His two children received gifts as per usual, but Mama Brown opened wrapped box after wrapped box of IOUs. Each IOU specified what Father Brown intended to buy Mama Brown and she could turn these in at any time for the actual item, just not on Christmas day.

This Christmas has been mentioned and relived with each new Christmas celebration. Mama Brown was not amused then and she has never been amused one day since...

#4-Being featured in this blog. 

#5-Mama Brown has various actresses and shows that make her scream in horror upon the mere mentioning...

~Carol Channing (from "Hello Dolly" among other things)

~Bernadette Peters

~Joan Rivers

~Joan Crawford (especially in Mommy Dearest)

~Annie (as in the Broadway play)

~"It's a Wonderful Life"

#6-As a senior in high school, the parents of Decadence decided that they would bestow upon her a "new" car that she could "take to college with her". Decadence was briefly consulted about this. Although Decadence was less than thrilled to leave her Scirocco behind, she was excited at the idea of taking a car to college with her. The "new" car was purchased from Decadence's aunt and uncle. 

It was a Moby Dick inspired White Whale of a car. A boat that struggled to stay in its lane. 

Actually it was a 1996 (?) white Mercury Grand Marquis-that looked nothing like this car...

Upon first sight, Decadence declared that this car would not be going to college with her. Decadence is not picky on a regular basis nor is she overly concerned by what others think of her or her ride, but here she had hit her limit for some inexplicable reason.

Due to the inconsistent performance of the Scirocco, it became imperative that unless she wanted to ride the bus to school, Decadence would have to drive the cruise ship to high school.

At Decadence's high school there were numbered parking spots. After a month into school, all of the driving students were completely familiar with their friends and other students' parking spots. Decadence had one that was, of course, front and center. 

On this day, she somehow navigated the car into the parking spot without propping the car halfway on the curb. This was also the day of a full-day field trip to Atlanta. Wishing to create the suspicion that some unknown student had stolen Decadence's parking spot for the day, Decadence ran from the car and inside the school building as soon as the car was in place.

Visual likeness of the parking job that morning.

Decadence boarded the bus to ATL and enjoyed the rest of the day without mention of the car.

The field trip ran over and Decadence + the other field trip students arrived back at school about an hour after the school day ended. 

"No worries," thought Decadence, "I have the mammoth to take me home." While walking to the car, she began to reach in her bookbag for the car keys. "Where'd I put the keys? Hmmm" (more searching). "Surely I didn't…"

In this moment, Decadence reached the car. The driver's side door was unlocked and only slightly ajar. Keys were in the ignition. Sitting in the car, Decadence did not notice anything out of place. Turning the key in the ignition did nothing to start the beast. "Uh oh. Mom's going to think I did this on purpose."

Her best guess was that she had left the car running, with the door slightly open…for the entire day.

Now of course, the battery was dead.

Mama Brown was called to retrieve the stranded Decadence. 

She was fiery mad, brimming with thoughts that this was done intentionally.

As a final note, this list was read to Mama Brown prior to posting, resulting in many screams from Mama Brown and a new anger for each of the items listed.

It's all done in love, Mama Brown!

"Hey guys, watch this!"

First a video, to put you in the right frame of mind...

It is fair to say that the premise of this entire blog is celebrating and recording past adventures…but this post is especially dedicated to a nagging homesickness for the past. Decadence does not dwell on the past, whether good or bad. The past has happened and now it is no more. The fleeting nature of the past is why Decadence has learned to live with urgency in the present. 

All of this aside, at times Decadence cannot help but think longingly of the friends she has had to move away from in recent times. Having these thoughts only strengthens the need to tell stories, hopefully making the events of the past come to life where they can be enjoyed again and again.

Okay-that was the spiel addressing homesickness--hopefully you are a captive enough audience to have made it through that.

The last X amount of posts have been a bit long. This one will attempt to stay on the side of brevity, but alas this has been promised before...

This is the story of how BarbKiller and Decadence became friends...


While in college, there was a house that, at times-usually beginning in the fall months, kept a massive leland cypress (think Christmas tree) standing in their front yard. Sometimes it stood up straight, sometimes it leaned to one side. It was never decorated. It was simply too big for a bunch of college students to have the money, resources, or desire to obtain enough decorations and/or spend the time to decorate it appropriately.

Decadence's junior year: The tree was more crooked than ever. 

Think Leaning Tower of Pisa-but leaning more

It leaned to such an extent that college-girl Decadence began to think it was teasing her and her sporadic need for order. 

One night Decadence took it especially hard as an affront to her. An aggressive move, if you will. As if the tree had pushed Decadence square in the shoulders and then stood back as if to say "What're you gonna do about it, girl?!"

Stop looking at me like that, Tree.

Young Decadence was sick of this tree flaunting its presence day after day. One spring night, she decided it was time to take this tree down.

An old friend stood by watching, while a few new acquaintances walked past the scene. As fate would have it, one of these people was BarbKiller and the other was also a future SAA, HarpStar. 


In true style, (and what has since been identified officially as "A redneck's last words") Decadence yelled to the little known passers-by: "Hey guys, watch this!"

As soon as those words were uttered, Decadence ran full speed at the tree. Sprint would be the appropriate term.

Just as she reached the tree, she jumped. 

This is the exact jumping stance Decadence used, except she was fully clothed while doing so.

She jumped high and with the ultimate confidence of someone who knew that they were taking down Goliath.


Immediately after leaving her feet, she was fully engulfed by the branches and endless needles of the tree. For a split second, Decadence disappeared into the middle of the tree.

Visual likeness of Decadence lost amongst the tree branches.

Where she thought she would feel the tree give way to her brut force and thus tumbling to the ground; in the next second Decadence ricocheted away from the tree in the same direction from which she approached it. She was rejected fully and thrown clear of the tree as if she had jumped face-first into a vertical trampoline. Engulfed one second, thrown back to the ground in the next.

For a split second, Decadence laid on the ground in a daze. Laying flat on her back, she heard cackles of laughter. Decadence looked around and jumped up. 


She looked at the tree. it was still standing as if nothing had happened. BarbKiller, HarpStar and the other bystander guffawed and nearly soiled their pantaloons while Decadence shook off the shock that her maneuver had not handled the tree. 


Momentarily she entertained the idea of trying again. 

This display was enough for BarbKiller to decide that she and Decadence must join forces, and forces they joined. Case and point? SAAs.

In times of true unity, please refer to these two SAAs as "LAAurBAArb"

Many days later...it was determined that the tree was cemented into the earth, several feet below the surface of the ground. This is still Decadence's only known unsuccessful tackle to date.

Scirocco Saga Conclusion...

Sadly, we have reached the third and final installment of the Scirocco Saga.

To review:

This is a slightly accurate replica of the Scirocco Decadence drove, the main
difference being that this car has no apparent attitude.

Not to be confused with this, a Delorean.

Both cars have been a part of adventures, but only one can be called Scirocco.

During the time between the events reported in part deux and this latest installment, young Decadence graduated high school and left for college a few hours away from home. The Scirocco did not join Decadence at college because her parents "did not trust the car to go long distances." Funny. It seemed to Decadence that the car couldn't handle short distances. Long distances were usually successful ventures.

Decadence missed her poor, lonely Scirocco. She longed to drive her beloved death trap more and more everyday. She imagined that the car waited in anticipation at home for her, pining for the next adventure...

With this look on its matte-finished face

While home for breaks from school, the Scirocco would sputter to life after the long rests and the two would ride all over town, visiting friends who remained in Athens. Most excursions were successful.

On numerous occasions, Decadence and the Scirocco cruised the classic city in style (using the term loosely) and the memories of car's past misdeeds faded...

These memories faded to the extent that when presented with the idea of going to a concert at the Georgia Theater with some of her friends over her spring break trip home, she didn't think twice about joining the crew. The plan was to drive downtown, park the Scirocco in the well-lit parking lot, deemed "old faithful," join the friends downtown, attend aforementioned concert, then drive home.

As you might have guessed, the events of the night did not unfold as planned.

First a review of road conditions in Athens at this time, as it is pertinent to the story.

This was a time of development and commercial expansion in Athens, not a time of renovation or repair of existing structures and roadways. Perhaps the most glaring example of this was East Campus Road. A long, winding road that carried one from Lumpkin Street through downtown Athens. This road took the driver down through a less travelled part of campus and most importantly, along the side and base of Sanford Stadium hence making it a Decadence favorite.

Sanford Stadium-Go Dawgs

By day one could see the countless potholes, cracks, missing pavement, patches, and sinkhole sized gouges that had been carved out of the road from years of vehicle traffic and perhaps movement of the tectonic plates. (Sudden and unexpected movement of tectonic plates would be the only excuse for the condition of the road.) While driving on this road in the daylight, the driver could attempt to dodge the various obstacles-key word attempt-but at night it was a losing game of driving a tank through a mine field.

East Campus Road-ish road conditions by day:

Although the real East Campus Road was much more of a mess and was never marked with cones
or attended to by orange jumpsuit clad repairmen. 

This was not a rare occurrence for the brave souls who chose to navigate East Campus Road...

Now that the road conditions involved have been reviewed, the details of the episode in question can be revealed.

The night began as Decadence left her parent's house, located about 15 minutes away from downtown Athens. Excited to see her friends, Decadence strained to hear the music of the radio over the sputtering and roaring of the engine as she travelled down the dark roads of Oconee and Clarke counties. As she reached the Clarke county line, road conditions worsened and Decadence noticed that her car's handling too had worsened. 

It was normal for her to keep a vice-inspired grip on the wheel to keep the car from veering off the road or into oncoming traffic, but this time something seemed more off than usual. The car seemed to pull in multiple directions at once and although Decadence travelled at a low speed (about 40 in a 45), the car shook much more violently than was typical.

Decadence slowed her speed more for she was in no hurry. 35 in a 45 zone. 

Continued violent shaking. 

Think old fashioned vibrating belt machine shaking

Decadence turned onto East Campus Road just as she slowed to 30 miles per hour. 

Utter mine field.

If the car was displaying severe problems before this, they paled in comparison to what happened next.

Decadence had to lean forward and use her forearms in the grip she held on the steering wheel as it turned and tugged in any way possible. Decadence turned the radio off-an undeniable sign of vehicular seriousness. 

Decadence slowed to 25 as she talked sweet nothings into the Scirocco's dashboard. In between hitting sinkholes that jarred her entire body, she even patted the dashboard gently, promising "You will never have to drive me around again if you just get me to the parking lot. You can retire forever, just please don't kill me."

Strange noises emerged from the car. Metal scraping, strange creaking, and of course the sound of everything in the car soaring then subsequently landing somewhere new as she unsuccessfully avoided sinkholes. Decadence feared the wheel would fall off the car again. She slowed to 20.

If you are unfamiliar with the "Old Faithful" reference-
this is it, along with a herd of Bison.

Without a cell phone, she would be unable to call anyone if she had to abandon the car. It was pitch black dark and she was still over a mile away from downtown. She knew she had to risk driving as far as she could. "I'm just going to get you to a nice, safe parking place at the 'old faithful' parking lot where no one will bother you." She whispered to the car, patting the dashboard yet again.

Painfully and at a speed of 15 miles per hour, the Scirocco finished the intended journey. As promised, Decadence parked the car in a well lit, but slightly hidden parking spot. She bid the Scirocco farewell, knowing that there was no way this car would successfully be driven further.

Decadence made the trek across downtown to meet her friends. While enjoying the company of her best friends, Decadence couldn't shake the feeling that her Scirocco Saga might have seen its final adventure. Decadence did not return to the car that night. Decadence instead stayed with her friend on campus and decided that she would call her parents in the morning and relay the story.

Next morning: Decadence calls home. Parents are fuming. 

Fuming. 

Decadence was supposed to call last night and tell them she would not come home-it was ALL they asked. (eh hem. side note-Decadence's parents were also cell phoneless and every night before bed, they would unplug the phone by their bed so it would not wake them in the night)

"I'm sorry" Decadence said, "but I absolutely could NOT drive the car. I still can't. It is REALLY messed up this time." 

"Oh that is NONSENSE!" was the reply.

"I really need y'all to come get me, there is no way I am driving the car."

Even madder. "Oh this is just RIDICULOUS! FINE, we will come pick you up and your dad will drive the car home."

Decadence was waiting with her friend on the curb when they drove up, still fuming.

Together the three drove to what Decadence had promised the Scirocco would be its final resting place while Decadence heard all about how angry her parents were.

Father Brown retrieved the car key from Decadence and enterd the car. The Scirocco burst to life, but Decadence could hear anger and unrest in the sounds...

Mama Brown and Decadence decided that they would lead the way home while Father Brown followed in the Scirocco. Mama Brown turned left out of the parking lot with no traffic in sight. Father Brown echoed this maneuver. After this and within seconds, the two women lost sight of Father Brown and the Scirocco. 

"Mmm, he'll catch up at the light." Mama Brown said hopefully. Decadence remained silent for she had given them both fair warning.

At the first red light, no sign of the duo. 

Second light, no sighting. 

Mama Brown pulled over on the side of the road. "Where is that man?" she asked.

Decadence was silent.

Mama Brown, driving 1996 (?) Mercury Grand Marquis, pulled a 15 point turn to head back in the opposite direction. They passed the second light, then the first with no sign of the Scirocco. They did not find Father Brown and the Scirocco until they reached the parking lot next to the original parking lot, where the car was parked and Father Brown was leaning against the car.

As the ladies drove up with the window down, Father Brown exclaimed "I'm not driving this car another  FOOT!! This car is about to fall apart!"

"I told you! What did you think? I made it up?!" Decadence responded, exasperated. 

"Well, I guess we'll call Darcy on Monday and have him tow it over to the shop, see what's wrong with it" was the ever-famous resolution.

Although-this time there would be no magical Darcy repairs. The frame of the car had cracked in half. The car could not even be towed, a platform truck had to come scrape the Scirocco's remains off of the pavement.

Where is the Scirocco now? Who knows. 

Stacked in this stack of cars?

Sold for parts? Smashed to bits?

Decadence likes to imagine that the man pictured below salvaged the unbroken part of the frame and has since earned a small fortune for himself using the legendary Scirocco as a rickshaw. 

In order to buy into this fantasy that immortalizes the Scirocco, you must look past the fact that this rickshaw is not actually made from a Scirocco frame. Let's say this is his other rickshaw.

Cars a la Decadence: Part Deux

Perhaps the appropriate attitude to have when driving or riding in the Scirocco

When we last left off, Decadence's 1984 Volkswagen Scirocco was shipped off to the family car repairman, Darcy, with a broken axle and a dangling front wheel.

Some time later the axle was ordered, installed and working properly. Decadence once again had her roaring, tape-playerless, air-conditionless, shaking, ride of doom back. (For a full description of this temperamental piece of metal on wheels, see the previous post.)  It was a bittersweet reunion. The two exchanged sideways glances before  they made the ride home together. The honeymoon period would not last long.


One bright, sunny Saturday afternoon a short time later, Decadence and her mother took off to town for a trip to who knows where in a quickly developing part of Oconee County (just outside of Athens, GA).


~~It should be said before this story continues, that whenever Decadence's 5'1" tall mother becomes suddenly nervous while riding in the passenger seat of a car (any car) she grips the passenger door or door handle,  whichever her right hand reaches first, while her left arm flails out in front of her, grasping for the dashboard which is usually out of her reach (sorry, Moms). Once her hands are in place, her body becomes completely rigid and unmoving. On occasion, if the situation worsens, she will repeat: "Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!" until the crisis is averted. This display never seems to quell her anxiety, perhaps it is just something for her to do while the driver remedies the situation. Having been the driver when she reacts this way, Decadence can tell you, it only makes things worse. Seeing Mama Brown performing this display only confirms the level severity of the situation and panic is usually close behind.

Close example, if Mama Brown was a male ginger and had switched to the driver seat at the last second.

But as this blog so often does, Decadence digresses. Off to run errands they went, taking the VW for a spin with them. It seemed that everyone was out that morning enjoying the beautiful day and weekend. All seemed right with the world. That is, until the trio (death-trap, eh-hem, character-filled Scirocco included in this count) drove over the Eppes Bridge Parkway overpass crossing Loop 10. Always a town that screams great planning-this particular overpass had a red light positioned halfway down the descending part of the overpass. Intersecting Eppes Bridge Parkway at this busy light was the on and off ramp for the aforementioned Loop 10 (A pseudo-highway that, you guessed it, makes a loop around Athens).


As luck would have it this fine morning, the light for their stream of traffic was red. Double lanes of traffic came pouring off Loop 10 and onto Eppes Bridge in both directions, as per usual. Always making attempts to be the responsible driver, Decadence pushed the the brake pedal with one foot as she pushed the clutch with the other (manual transmission if you haven't reviewed the car's description).
Not feeling the car slow, Decadence pushed the brakes harder so as not to hit the line of cars in front of her. No change. The lane to the left was clear, so Decadence merged into that lane as she approached the red light. Pushing the brake pedal to the floor with all of her weight brought no change.


Cue Mama Brown's reaction to vehicular crisis.


Seeing the Mama Brown brace-stance, Decadence knew she had to act quick. The light appeared to have no intentions of changing and the traffic off-loading from "The Loop" was not slowing. Decadence did the only thing she could think of...she hit the gas with everything she had.

Okay, so obviously not. Decadence would not have lived through that.


Instead, left with no other option aside from Thelma and Louise-ing it through the intersection, Decadence pulled the emergency brake with one hand at first and then both in order to stop the car in time. The car screeched at deafening decibels and clouds of smoke billowed from the tires, but the car stopped. The car stopped directly behind the white line in fact.


Lucky for Decadence, there was a car repair place just up the next hill in the same direction Mother and Decadence were already headed...the car was yet again admitted for some involuntary inpatient rehabilitation.


A mini-photo montage of the range of emotions this car evoked in Decadence:

Functional panic

I just can't face it anymore panic

While we are on the subject of intersection related Scirocco melt-downs:

One forgotten, but important detail to mention about the Scirocco is that the gas gauge was not accurate. The tank would read full one minute, halfway full the next, and 3 minutes later the car might shut down unexpectedly of an empty tank. 

Seriously. 

The first time this happened, Decadence just happened to be on her way to the gas station. She was hoping to give her business to the gas station just on the other side of a busy intersection from where the car shut off. Once again, the light was red and there was a busy flow of traffic crossing the intersection, preventing Decadence from coasting through said intersection (although in reality, she never would have made it to that gas station even if the light had been green). Instead she merged the dead car into the right hand turn lane where she could-hopefully-coast along in the turn lane in front of a busy shopping center and down the only sloping hill in the area, leading down to a gas station. 

Because the car shut down well before it even reached the initial intersection, the act of merging into the right turn lane took most of the car's momentum. The car slowed considerably more after Decadence made the right turn. The speedometer of the car did not even register a numerical value for the speed of the car at this point. The car crawled. Someone walking next to the car with crutches could have beat the car to the intended gas station. 

Decadence was reduced to "riding" along in the turn lane, waving people away from attempting to hit her while she rocked back and forth in the driver's seat repeatedly and with great vigor, hoping that this would propel the car forward until it reached the gas station. This went on for several minutes, but just when she thought she would have to abandon the car in the turn lane or physically push the car forward, the car reached the ever-so-slight downhill slope that lead to the gas station. Decadence steered the car to the only available pump and the rest of the day proceeded as normal.

This was the first, but not the last time the car would play this trick. Decadence was much closer to the gas station the next time it happened…

To be continued...again...