Staycation Shenanigans

With spring break under way across this great land, Decadence is reminded of the time she spent the last weekend of a spring break at school rather than off blowing money and parading around anywhere-but-here. The other members of the previously mentioned DEWG or Destiny Express Wheel Gang (in Rico-Free Gang Formation) followed suit. 

The twin sister of one of DEWG's members was also visiting on this occasion. While sitting at dinner, the DEWG members joined forces. The question was posed: "How do we keep the visitor entertained while we get to wreak DEWG-havoc around Talla-nasty?"

Each completed a silent inventory of the left-over holiday and celebratory supplies they possessed. It was decided that between the four, they had an inordinate amount of bachelorette party-related supplies, i.e. feather boas, a tiara, a large shiny multi-colored crystal ring, a bachelorette sash, and Mardi Gras beads.

It was decided, after they finished the margaritas and 1/2 cooked chicken burritos/tacos/quesadillas, they would return to their respective homes and prepare for an impromptu bachelorette party. 

Who was the bachelorette? The guest of honor! This, they decided, would ensure that she was entertained, made friends, and that all would receive an unknown amount of free beverages…

The ladies dressed in their finest bachelorette attire, then donned the party supplies gathered to make the party look official. Now where to go?  The idea of going to a new establishment was introduced…the Palace Saloon perhaps? 

Might be fun to check it out, they thought. After all, they had a great drink special until 11.

"We'll just go there for a few hours, then go somewhere else." -not quite how things worked out.

The "Palace Saloon" of Tallahassee is a far cry from it's Fernandina Beach counterpart which claims an extensive pirate history and hails as the oldest saloon in the state of Florida…the Tallahassee version is, to say the least, completely underwhelming and the absolute last place a group might plan a bachelorette party.

The Palace Saloon of Fernandina Beach. 

It's a bit of a rough, local crowd. Especially during spring break with a majority of students out of town.

The Palace offers a variety of activities for its patrons including darts, pool, sports on TV, smoking cigarettes indoors, a jukebox, a punching bag, and for the resourceful group: assemble-it-yourself beer pong. 

This picture is not entirely accurate. This is Tally's Palace Saloon
after extensive renovations. DEWG was there pre-renovation.

Tally Palace Saloon signage. They have also been
know to display such things as "Vacuums Suck"

The Palace has a maximum of 3 kinds of beer on tap: Budweiser, Bud Light, and Miller Light. They also offer $2 sake bombs. This is the drink menu in its entirety.

Arriving at this fine establishment, the ladies did a quick scan and were immediately aware that they were out of their element. They avoided eye contact, as they were receiving lingering stares from all others in attendance.

Beverages were selected and the beer pong table was quickly assembled, as this could be placed away from the pedophile-esque gazes.

Pedophile stare

The following is a list of the evening's events (intersperse free sake bomb shots where you feel appropriate in the review of this list):

-Beer Pong.

-Punching Bag

-Bathroom Pow-Wow with DEWG members

-"Bachelorette" convinced to dance on the bar. The height of the roof was not accounted for and the 5'2" bachelorette had to bend over enough to reduce her height to 4'5" in order to stand and "dance" on said bar.

-Beer Pong rematch

-Hostile takeover of Jukebox when Fancy put a $20 in the machine, thinking it would give her change.

-Darts

-Bachelorette makes out with bar patron in the corner-cover is slightly blown as a result.

-Bachelorette approaches identical twin sister/DEWG member and says "He (guy the bachelorette was just spending time in the corner with) thinks you're hot." 

-Punching bag challenge

-Beer Pong challenge with new friends

-Nameless single DEWG member (not Decadence) makes out with "Scab Toes" as he would come to be known.

Visual likeness of Scab Toes' actual feet

-Bathroom heart-to-heart

-Another DEWG member (also not Decadence) assigns herself the duty of finding a male patron to strip for the bachelorette party

It was at this point that Decadence and the DEWG twin decided that perhaps the night should continue elsewhere…elsewhere being home.

Decadence, seemingly responsible by her actions of cutting DEWG members off from more sake bombs by passing them to the twin DEWG, asked for her check. When the tab came, she turned to the twin DEWG and with a panicked look on her face, exclaimed: "I don't know what to DO!" The responsible twin DEWG was forced to add a tip to the tab, then instructed Decadence to sign along the line. Decadence chose to scribble back and forth along the signature line until it was completely blacked out with pen ink. (The duplicate copy of this receipt was found the next morning.)

DEWG's new friend "Scab Toes" was volunteered to drive the ladies home in his PT Cruiser as the ladies were quite aware of their inability to operate any machinery. 

Turns out ole Scab Toes lived across the street from Decadence and twin DEWG.

This list compiles the events that took place following the ladies' return home:

-While still wearing feather boas, various members of the party ran around in circles between the kitchen and living room of Decadence's apartment

-One DEWG member stole a bag of ripe tomatoes from an unknown apartment stoop and proceeded to throw this entire bag of tomatoes from the 3rd story apartment into the parking lot below 

The thrown tomatoes instantly drowned this man

-Either Decadence or Fancy reheated the uneaten portions of the burrito dinner from earlier in the night

-Decadence threw her purse into the corner of the room behind the couch

-Deciding that the burrito leftovers were not enough, either Fancy or Decadence popped 30 day old pot roast/hot beef/slow cooker stew into the microwave in a styrofoam container, where it would stay for the next 30 hours

-The tomato stealing DEWG member rocked herself back and forth in the fetal position in the middle of the living room floor, repeating "Where am I?" for at least 30 minutes.

This is not an actual DEWG member, but it's a cleaner version
of what the DEWG member was doing this night

Ending the story here leaves countless pieces of the puzzle unaddressed. Part two of this historic staycation will recount the events of the day that follows which include (but is not limited to) three DEWG members waking in the same bed and a Scab Toes reunion.

Happy Spring Break!