Decadence and her Cars

Has your front axle ever broken while you were driving, causing your wheel to fall off of your car?

Have your brakes ever gone out while driving down a hill and into an intersection with a red light and traffic moving rapidly through the intersection, while your mother sat in the passenger seat?

Has the frame of your car ever broken in half while you drove down the road?

Well, then to you I must say: You have not LIVED.



Decadence hears people claim "I'm going to drive this car into the ground." How often does one claiming this actually drive the car into the ground? You may think that because Decadence is all about finery to the max, that she would use, abuse, and trade in her cars for the next best thing--but you would be wrong. In this case, Decadence (excluding her current ride, Judyth) starts with shit-tastic cars, then uses and abuses them until they fall to pieces. In fact, the claim that one will drive a car into the ground reminds Decadence of the car she actually drove into the ground, on two separate occasions.

An entire blog could be dedicated to this topic, but alas, brevity will be attempted and this will hopefully be contained within two posts. Buckle up.

Part I

A bit of background.
Decadence at 16; just a glimpse of the madness to come was visible in her eyes. With a birthday that fell over the Christmas break, she was ecstatic to arrive on the first day of the new year in style. This style, as fate would have it, was a white 1984 Volkswagen Scirocco, Wolfgang Edition (what what) manual transmission, with 230,000 miles on it.

This car had no tape player because years earlier, in an attempt to "jump" the car back to life, Decadence's father had blown it out by crossing the cables. The car had amazing heat, all year long (super convenient for living in Georgia). When the air conditioning was turned on, it blew hot air, leaves, dirt, and sand onto the driver and unsuspecting passenger. It had manual windows and locks. The windows cranks doubled as a weight-lifting workout. It had a huge trunk, perhaps big enough for two people. The back hatch was massive and the mechanism that held this hatch open while one dug deep into the trunk for a lost pen or shoe, had long ago faltered. If opened, a second person would have to hold the heavy hatch door up and open for the other to dig in the trunk. If this was not done, death may or may not ensue.

The car had a permanent scent of fuel, oil, exhaust, dirt, and vinyl; the likes of which have never been replicated. When turned on, the car roared like a monster truck rally. If the radio was working, it had to be turned up all the way in order to hear the music over the deafening sound of the car. If a passenger had something to say, shouting would not suffice, a megaphone was needed. When driving at any speed below 80 miles per hour, the car shook and vibrated so much that Decadence developed toned arms from gripping the steering wheel (above 80, if you could get to that point, the car hummed and became the smoothest ride imaginable).

To amp up the class of this fine vehicle, Decadence saved her loose change and invested in fuzzy cow-print seat covers for the two front bucket seats and the back bench seat. They were expensive and really gave Decadence the look she was going for...

Oh, and before Decadence was to drive it to school, it had spent the last 18 months in the car repairman's lot due to his inability to figure out what exactly was wrong with it...beyond the fact that it was 14 years old and had 230,000 miles on it.

This is not the actual car, but it is damn close. One noted difference: the Wolfgang Edition had white rim-style hubcaps and had a bit more of an attitude.

What's that? You have never heard of a Volkswagen Scirocco? Once again: You have not lived! Also,  it is quite possible that they stopped selling them in the US after 1984 or 1985. Even Wikipedia reports a gap between production from 1992-2008. Decadence has not seen one driving down the road in at least 5 years.

Many people during the reign of the Scirocco made
comments that it looked like this car, but this is a Delorean,
and much more expensive; plus it starred
in a few movies about going back to the future

Back to the sweet 16 ride...Decadence's parents pulled it out of the shop just in time to practice driving it, obtain the coveted driver's license, and prepare for the debut at Oconee County High School as a driver. On the morning young Decadence was to drive to school the first time, she took off down the mile long (newly paved after a lifetime of gravel road living) road to the "main" road. Only this time, when the car began the incline of the one and only hill on said road, it shut off. Without warning, the car died and because it didn't have those confangled things called "automatic..." or "anti-lock..." blah blah blah, it seized up and began to roll immediately down the same hill, rapidly. Somehow the deep ditches on either side of the road were avoided and the car came to a stop in the middle of the road.

Was this a sign to the parents that this car would try on multiple occasions to murder dear Decadence? No. They simply said as they would so many times in the future. "Well, let's take it back to Darcy and get it fixed." (Darcy's name was not changed for the purposes of this blog.)

At a certain point, Decadence began to feel
that she too drove a car like this...

A few months and break-downs later, the neighbors knew Decadence a bit better after picking her up off the side of the road and hauling her home and her parents began to speak of obtaining a cell phone "for emergencies only." Decadence's unsuccessfully presented alternative was of course: replace the car.

On one seemingly uneventful spring night during this time, Decadence was driving home from her brother's soccer game while the rest of the family stayed behind at the field. While driving, Decadence noticed the slightest bit of tugging from the steering wheel, but it was so slight that it went by unnoticed until later reflection. Pulling the car around the driveway that circled in front of the house, the car suddenly began pulling and lurching to the left as if she had slammed into something on the right side of the car. The only thing that was on the right side of the car was the new car Decadence's father had bought only weeks earlier.

Panic stricken that she had hit her father's new car and was now aimed directly at a large pine tree in the front yard, Decadence tried to pull the car back into the center of the gravel driveway. No matter how hard she pulled, the car aimed for the pine tree. Decadence slammed on the brakes until the car finally came to a halt.

Decadence jumped out of the car to inspect her father's car for damage. No damage. She walked to her car to inspect, all seemed normal on the right side of the car. She walked to the front of the car, all clear. Same with the left. Walking back around the car, she noticed that the gravel was out of place around the right front tire. Gouges of gravel had been made by this tire. Then she saw it, the wheel was hanging off to the right of the car, held to the car by a cable. How did she not see this before? Because she was only looking for damage to the side and bumper? Leaning to look under the car she saw what had been a solid axle, now broken in half and partially laying on the ground.

"What am I supposed to do now?!" Decadence screamed into the night. Of COURSE no one in the family had cell phones. Who would she call? What should she do? Well, first things first, go get the camera. After snapping a few shots of the axle and wheel, still no arrival of the family. Decadence only lasted a few minutes after picture time before she lost her marbles. Her emotional 16-year-old self took over and she sat on the walkway curb and sobbed...until her parents came home. Their response? "Huh! Will you look at that! Well, we'll have it towed over to Darcy's place in the morning and get it fixed."
Decadence was not soothed or amused with any part of this response.

The pictures of this incident have not been seen in many years, but hopefully this picture will satisfy your need for a visual example-if the car involved is the monster truck "Thunder Beast"

To be continued...

Soiled Again!!!

Let's face it, when Decadence tries to impress new individuals, the universe tends to foil her efforts. This is nothing new for Decadence. No matter how many times her hard work is shot down, Decadence maintains optimism in each new situation in which attempts to make good impressions are necessary. Said optimism tells Decadence: "This time it will be different, I promise." or "Go for it, girl, you got this!" or even "Yea right, like anything could go wrong!" 
Optimism blinds Decadence without fail...every time. 
It even seems that the universe takes the combination of each new situation + optimism + Decadence and sees it as a challenge--a challenge to create new ways to foil Decadence. Each new way is different, unique, unexpected, and worthy of a Charlie Brown reaction, such as:

or a Charlie Brown inspired head droop and sluggish walk away from foiled attempt, shown here:

As there are already several examples of these situations present in previous blog posts, there will only be one new moment shared...


This brief moment in time takes place only two months after Decadence moved to Jacksonville. During these first two months, she spent many weekends out of town choosing to visit old friends rather than stay in town to make new friends. (She had a difficult adjustment at first.)


The evening to be described marks one of the first few weekends Decadence remained in town.  The week preceding this event was the first week in which Decadence had successfully met new people outside of her current coworkers and roommates. It would be safe to say that this was the first week in which Decadence's difficult adjustment lifted and things began to look up. 


**Note: It is in these moments that optimism is at its highest and Decadence falls into the old unsuspecting ways.


On this night, Decadence had made a new friend through other new friends. Decadence had planned to meet the new friend for a local, low-key happy hour before attending an old Italian horror film in celebration of the fast approaching and much anticipated Halloween.


Excited to have met a someone new, Decadence was of course hoping to make a favorable impression. Channeling optimism and positive self-worth, Decadence set off for nearby meeting place. Decadence was the second to arrive, so she joined her new friend where he sat amongst the other happy hour patrons. 


Initial pleasantries were exchanged, but after the first few words, Decadence's attention wandered. This waning attention was not due to the pleasantries...it was just that Decadence could not shake the feeling that something terrible and unidentifiable had happened. Decadence's friend continued to generate  conversation, but all was lost to Decadence as she tried silently to solve the mystery of what had gone wrong. She looked from her friend to the floor and back to her friend. She smiled and nodded to what was being said without comprehension, attempting to appear as if things were normal but all the while panic was mounting.


After a few moments of this, Decadence began to apply more attention to the mystery than her friend. She slowly lifted one foot and then the other, studying each and then the floor. She noticed a lot of dirt-like material. The substance was caked onto the foot rest of the high stool, the foot of the bar and the floor below where the stool sat and it looked to be any of the following things:
-A stack of extremely wet and now ripped, mushy napkins
-Thick mud, dirt mixture
-Dog shit, lots and lots of dog shit


Silently Decadence thought, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, PLEASE let this be a stack of wet, soggy napkins." Continuing to cycle between looking at her friend, to the floor, to the stool, to her shoes, and now to the soiled back of her jeans, her lack of focus could no longer be ignored by her friend. He also began to study the situation while Decadence maintained a fearful silence. Recalling this event, it is likely that Decadence was making this face:

Afraid to get too close to determine the exact nature of the substance, both kept their distance choosing instead to speculate from afar. Others at the bar began to notice the detective work going on and began to  suspend their conversations to offer help to the cause.


After a few minutes, there was no way to deny that the substance was in fact a massive amount of dog shit left behind by a mother-daughter pair who had only minutes before Decadence's arrival vacated the restaurant.

It would be fair to say that this mother-daughter pair was straight out of Mommy Dearest

At some point, and thanks to Decadence's friend, logic took over and it was decided that Decadence should make the short walk home, change (pants and shoes) and start the night fresh.

There really seems to be no appropriate way to end this ordeal of a story other than to relay the good news that all parties lived. The bad news is that the mother-daughter pair remain at large, but their days are certainly numbered. Watch your step, bitches.

A Decadent List of Grievances

List of Grievances:

As our forefathers and others throughout history have deemed appropriate in the Declaration of Independence and elsewhere, Decadence would like to take some time to compile a list of grievances. This is not to say that Decadence is unappreciative of the things present in her life, it is merely a compilation of the unnecessary, annoying, or mundane elements that are present in the world. 

In no particular order:

1. The color orange. -Labelled officially by the "artworld" as a secondary color, it is often associated with sports teams Decadence does not care for-teams that often display a level of classless behavior-and in a way that only serves to make the school's colors/jerseys/campus an eyesore. When mixed with colors other than those directly next to it on the color wheel, it often makes a mud-inspired hue. It seems to be the leech of the color wheel, attaching itself to superior colors like red and thus pulling down a great color. Perhaps this color should remain in hiding until it is needed around the Halloween/Thanksgiving timeframe.

(The answer is No, I have not considered orange.)

2. The Mud Man. -For years as a child, Decadence's father (referred to here as Father Brown) would tell her and her brother tall tales of the Mud Man and his propensity for stealing the shoes of unsuspecting victims. He would only tell these tales while in the act of carrying the two children across patches of thick sticky mud, where the dreaded Mud Man lived. Without fail, as Father Brown crossed the patches of thick Mud Man territory, he would lose at least one of his shoes. Every time he felt the slightest bit of tug from said Mud Man, he made a dramatic and terrorizing display of trying to retrieve his lost shoe using only his submerged foot (aka. he would never put his hand/arm in the mud as this was too dangerous, so dangerous in fact, he might never survive). Often the lost shoe situation would turn more sinister as the Mud Man also attempted to keep Father Brown's foot and ankle. Father Brown would yell and writhe in panic, pain and fear-all while holding his children. This panic carried over to the children as they echoed his screams and cries for help. 

The Mud Man was extremely well fed in those days and the shoe casualty count was long ago lost due to high numbers. Luckily Father Brown never lost a foot, but he did raise two offspring that have a strange aversion to large patches of mud. If one needed a visual image of what the Mud Man might look like today after so many shoe binges, he might look something like this:

3. Cock Rock. (as Fancy refers to it and not to be confused with Crotch Rock or a cock block) -This is a situation in which less is more. Why does the world need so much "Cock Rock," Decadence feels that the saturation of Cock Rock has far outreached that which can be handled in one, nay seven,  lifetimes. Everything in moderation Cock Rockers. If lost, please refer to the example video here (sorry it begins with an advertisement):

4. Stinging insects. -Stinging insects did not make this list only because of Decadence's new-found death-allergy to them and she understands their necessity in the grand scheme of nature's functioning. Stinging insects made this list because of their propensity to sting mammals. Why? Why is it necessary to sting mammals? Because they feel threatened? Not necessarily, what if it's just to see what kind of havoc they can create. Is the purpose of their stinging to remind the stung individual of how great they had it before they were stung? Decadence finds it completely inappropriate that these creatures would sting something that could feel it, instead they should stick to pollinating flora, building nests for their young, producing honey, and whatever else they do while steering clear of the earth's fauna.

5. Dick Slang (Dance). -No words can do this listing justice, simply watch...

6. Lightning. -It seems completely unnecessary. It's nice to view from a safe distance in a dark sky, but it also kills electricity, trees, and people. Thunder seems sufficient to warn of an approaching storm. That is all.

7. Men's nipples. - The necessity of this was googled and no valuable information was found. Decadence was actually underwhelmed by the answer. Essentially there is no reason other than the fact that evolution and/or early fetal development has not found a way to rid the earth of them, sorry human males.

This of course is not a full list of grievances, but it seems to cover the essentials. Additions to the list are welcome and will be considered only if submitted in writing and postmarked by January 11th, 2011.

MMXI

Happy New Year! 

2010 was the year in which Decadence found her name, although she has existed for many years. This was a year of fabulous accomplishments and celebratory moments mixed with hardships and lows. In many ways it was the epitome of a bipolar year; not in the psychological sense of the word, but in the extreme polarities of the experiences and how they blended together into one hot messery. 

The last year brought endings and beginnings, it brought the completion and culmination of 2 years work, and it generated the need to redefine a life. This was a year of moving and traveling, searching and networking. Old friends came back into Decadence's life and new friends entered the picture. 2010 brought more changes than any other year has and it is hard not to feel overwhelmed reflecting back on it now as well as confused when looking at how much was packed into such a short amount of time.  

Finding adventure in every day was one of Decadence's goals, whether this meant appreciation of the irony in situations, amusement at her frequent awkward moments, following spontaneous ideas, or making the most out of time with friends. Decadence succeeded in this goal. Many adventures were found and many more found Decadence. 

Although Decadence lives more in the moment rather than considering the future in her adventures, this is that time of year when resolutions are set. As with her list making style, Decadence prefers manageable and attainable goals or list items, it increases the feeling of accomplishment. This method is brought to the table when Decadence sets her new years resolutions. Yes, new years resolutions, those little promises we make and break for ourselves each year. As cheesy and inconsequential as the practice may be, Decadence takes part in it. This is not in the normal way of setting some sort of self improvement goal for herself, but more of as one additional way to take part in an annual tradition on the surface while also bringing a more jovial, fun aspect to the boring conversation of "What are your new years resolutions this year?"

Attainable new years resolutions of the past:

-Graduate

-Get a job

With goals and resolutions like this, Decadence always follows through on her resolutions (that is, the ones she can remember).

This outlet seems to be the ideal place to record these resolutions:

1-Bridge count 2K11-Every bridge crossed by foot, bicycle, or car will be counted no matter how many times a day it is crossed. "Bridge" referring to any raised path/roadway whether it allows navigation over water, buildings, houses or fields. (The count will be kept track of on the House of Decadence.)

2-Find adventure in every day.

3-Maintain current employment so as to fund further adventures.

May you too have a year of Decadence! If this thought makes you nervous then just remember: everything in moderation (not a personal motto of Decadence, but perhaps it will ease your fears).